


Sometimes the best of friends... They leave for a good reason.

by DisneyBroadway123



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Asperger Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, Character Death, Evan has Autism, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Other, Sad with a Happy Ending, soft!connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 08:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 39,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12955272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisneyBroadway123/pseuds/DisneyBroadway123
Summary: What if Evan never told Connor's story? What if it was told by a girl who was his actual best friend? Meet Daniela, a woman with Asperger's syndrome who's only real friend is the resident school shooter. But is that how he actually was? Or was all the rumors about him just that rumors.





	Sometimes the best of friends... They leave for a good reason.

   

_ My name is Daniela Smithstone, and this is my story. I was the best friend of Connor Murphy before he committed suicide when we were in high school. Most people didn’t know the same Connor that I did because of the abuse and the way that his father Larry, treated him for being gay. He was my best friend since I was in the first grade and my parents passed away leaving me in the hands of my uncle. He was different back than. So much happier than he was when he got older. He was always happy around me but that was because I like to think that I made him happier. That first day he was my next door neighbor in class, he sat right beside me and pretty much declared himself my partner for the rest of that year. We did everything together. We were the two inseparable partners in best friendship. During recess you would often see us on the swings together just laughing at nothing in particular. People called me weird because I never really spoke to anyone other than Connor. I got bullied really badly to the point where I eventually was put into the hospital because they just didn’t know what to with me. That was the last day of the first grade, they beat me to a pulp because I had said simply that I was different and proud of it. It was that year that I was diagnosed with it, Asperger’s syndrome. It made a lot of sense to me that summer. Connor was there for me through everything. After long days of getting tested for said Asperger’s he would walk me across the street to our favorite little ice cream shop called A La Mode. They have really scrumptious strawberry cheesecake ice cream. Once the second grade started we had this bitchy teacher, Mrs. Cronister. She called my Asperger’s a simple mental disorder which it wasn’t. She called it over reacting. One day Connor seemed to have lost it with Mrs. Cronister, see, it was the typical stuff like the fact that I couldn’t do a group presentation because of my ‘stupid mental disorder’ she called it. Connor picked up the first thing that he saw and threw it at her, it was a printer. It just barely missed her, but the word spread like wildfire. They called Connor a monster, and they called me a freak for wanting a monster for a best friend. I didn’t care in the slightest. I never did care about what the people said, they didn’t know my Connor. My Connor that would sit with me and draw in the park after school because we were the two art nerds as we got older, the Connor that would sing to the Broadway production of Newsies whenever somebody had put it on while in the car, the Connor that would hold me through a sensory overload and whisper that I would be okay. That all those other people they don’t matter. He taught me that, that only you matter in this moment. It started out like just another day…  _ I heard my alarm clock begin to go off and I reached for the confounded contraption to shut the damn thing off. I was used to waking up to silence. I liked it in fact. I reached for my phone to see my good-morning text from Connor. I always loved his good-morning texts sometimes I would just go back and reread them a little bit later. 

_ Con: Well, well, well another day of hell awaits us… my god call me when this school year has ended.  _

_ Me: Con, come on, it’s only the first day, have at least some form of positivity.  _

_ Con: Positivity? What’s that? Sounds like your thing not mine Dani.  _

_ Me: Well there is a reason why you keep around isn’t there? I mean other than my good looks…  _

_ Con: Haha, if I wasn’t gay I still wouldn’t be into you Dani. You’re practically my sister. Well the sister that I always wanted anyways, not the bitchy one that I got. My mom’s saying that I’m high again when I’m not… For once this kid is sober before school. Not that it matters anyways.  _

_ Me: It does too matter Conner!! It matters to me because that alone means that you’re trying to get better. Not that I’m saying you’re sick or anything…  _

_ Con: It’s cute when you babble, see you at school??  _

_ Me: Of course!! We have to compare schedules, though knowing this school and how much it hates me we’re going to have different classes again.  _

_ Con: We better at least have one class together, or I’m going to be pissed.  _ I chuckled at my best friend as I got out of bed. I picked out my favorite dress and sweater for the first day of school, a lilac purple with a white sweater and my favorite flats. I opened my door to see that my uncle was making breakfast again. 

“Morning uncle!!” He turned around. 

“There’s my little princess. How’d you sleep? How’s Connor this morning?” Me and my uncle were really the only people who ever saw the good in my best friend that someday he was going to change the world someday. 

“I slept fine, Con’s not doing so hot this morning. Sounds like his family had another fight this morning. I just wish that I could do something for him. I hate seeing him so upset, whether he’s gay or not that shouldn’t matter!!” I went off on another tangent as my uncle handed me the eggs and bacon that he had made me along with my english muffin. 

“I know that you worry about Connor honey, and I do too. He’s a bright kid, he is going to do something really incredible with the talent that he has. Then everyone’s going to look back and think that they were wrong.” I took my Uncle’s advice and tuckered into my breakfast. 

“I hope so uncle, I worry about him a lot of the time. What if one of these days he just finally breaks and does something insanely drastic without even thinking?” I took some deep breaths like Connor always tells me to do when I get like this overwhelmed as I drank a sip of my orange juice. 

“He won’t do something like that, if nothing else I know that Connor would never do that to you because he loves you like a sister. You’re the one thing that’s kept him alive this long sweetheart. I know that you’re scared of what could possibly happen, but if you fill your head with possibilities one of these days you’re going to worry yourself to death. You carry so much weight on your shoulders. At the very least just breathe and take it day by day.” My uncle comforted as I grabbed my lunch from his hands that felt like fruit salad and five cookies two for me and three for Connor since we were probably going to the orchard after school. I had made them last night. He loved me chocolate chip cookies. I grabbed my backpack and stuffed my lunch into them before going to the front door. 

“Have a great day uncle!!” My uncle worked from home as a software engineer and it payed him really good money. 

“Have a great day too angel!! Remember to breathe!!” I laughed as I walked out to my car and plugged in my phone as the sounds of calming Disney acoustical music played through the connecter. I drove the fifteen minutes that I needed to get to school before parking and finding Connor waiting for me outside the school like we did everyday before school had started. He had headphones in so I decided to sneak up on him. 

“CONNOR!!” He jumped and I laughed at him as he glared at me halfheartedly. 

“Jesus fucking Christ!! What the hell Dani?!” I laughed as he shook himself and he started laughing too. 

“Alright just in case you now hate me, I have bribery. I baked chocolate chip cookies last night and I have three in here for you. But, you have to wait for lunch.” 

“Aww man, come on, you can’t just wave them under my nose like that Ella, that’s absolutely not fair.” He pulled the puppy dog eyed look on me knowing that was my biggest weakness in terms of him.

“Life’s not fair Con, deal with it. How about I give you one now, since apparently I’m a giant softie.” I reached into my bag and handed him one as he put it in his mouth. He hummed in appreciation of the cookie as he finished it. 

“Still delicious, you always come through for me.” He said with a smile as we walked through the doors of the school. Our schedules were at the front desk and Connor took care of them. Thank god because I had a really bad stutter with people that I didn’t know. He came back and handed me my schedule. 

“You had better appreciate me right now, that secretary just asked me how much longer I’m going to survive.” He slumped along the lockers and I hugged him. 

“I’m sorry Connor, maybe if I was better with people-” He cut me off by shushing me. 

“You’re fine with people, I mean you’re fine with me great in fact. You’re just not good with other assholes on this planet.” I snickered as I grabbed his schedule. 

“Yes!! All classes together except for the last class!!” I cheered as he took mine to inspect it to make sure that I wasn’t messing with him. 

“Awesome, we have musical theater again this year, I love that class.” Connor mentioned. It was rare that he would say that about a class that wasn’t literature because surprisingly Connor was really well read. He loved reading books, drawing and theater those were his three favorite things. We walked down to the theater when I heard everyone’s least favorite voice. 

“Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic. Morning Dani, seems that you got the nerdy backpack again, haven’t you grow out of the Doctor Who fandom yet? I mean it’s not even that good.” Connor stopped in his tracks and gave the death glare to one Jared Klineman. I had a really bad feeling that this was not going to end well for anyone. 

“I was kidding. It was a joke.” I felt the need to protect my best friend and this other boy, who’s name escaped me…. Evan that’s right, connor has a massive crush on him, we had almost every class together since the sixth grade. 

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor deadpanned and I saw Evan nervously twiddling his fingers. 

“You’re such a freak.” Jared muttered before leaving and I wanted to drag him back here by the collar of his nerdy shirt. See how he liked it. I could see Evan was starting to begin to be even more uncomfortable. I moved forward but Connor beat me to it. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” I almost wanted to interrupt Connor but knew it would be pointless to do so I just shrank into myself. 

“W-what?” Evan looked extremely confused and puzzled.       

“You think I’m freak too don’t you?” Connor asked hurt and I could tell that he needed to get out of this situation so I simply dragged him to the next hallway over before it got ugly. I hugged him and he easily hugged me back and rested his chin on my head since he was the taller one of the two of us. 

“I don’t think Evan thinks you’re a freak Con. Kleinman's just a jackass, simple as that. You shouldn’t listen to thing that he says.” I comforted him as he started to smile. 

“I know I shouldn’t. But, the words that people say not just about me, but about you? They hurt me. Makes me wish that I was different.” 

“I don’t wish you were different Con, yes I wish that I could protect you like you do me, but I don’t wish that a signal thing about was different.” 

“You’re too good for me, you know that right Dani?” 

“Try just good enough, you need me around just like I need you around.” I heard the five minute bell ring. 

“Shall we get to what class do we have first… math. Oh good lord, help us now.” I said to the sky as Connor laughed at me while guiding me through the hallways. I would have a sensory overload everyday. We found the class and took seats towards the back like usual if it wasn’t a language arts class or an arts class we were usually towards the back. 

“Good morning students!! Welcome to your first day of junior year!!” I grabbed my notebook and saw Connor write something in his. 

_ Why even pretend to be excited? I mean it’s not like any of us are? _ I stifled a laugh at him as the teacher did role. Evan rushed into the classroom past the bell and I saw Connor sigh. 

_ Are you going to be okay? I mean I’m not going to pretend like I know how you feel but if you’re upset I only want to help you out.  _ I wrote back in my notebook as the teacher called out Connor’s name. 

“Present tragically.” I covered my mouth with my hand to quiet the giggle that really wanted to come out. 

_ It’s only do I have to freak-out absolutely everyone? And I don’t even mean too, it’s my defense mechanism. I just want to be the same person that I am with you, with him. But, I don’t even know how to do that.  _ I heard the teacher call out my name. 

“Right here.” I said quietly but the teacher didn’t hear me. 

“Daniella Smithstone?” 

“Here.” I said louder and she thankfully heard me that time. 

_ Just be yourself, I know that’s not the best advice in the entire planet but I think that it might actually help you. If he doesn’t love you for you like I do, then I’m sorry Connor but he’s not the one for you. _ I wrote back in my own notebook and he sent me a small smile. 

_ I know but it’s like whenever I get around him my brain freezes up and I just say the first thing that comes to my mind and usually it’s something that freaks him out… _ He wrote back as the syllabuses were passed out and I put mine off to the side and focused on Connor instead who looked like he was just about done with this whole mess. 

_ Sometimes that just happens Con, it’s not that bad. You just need to show him the same Connor Murphy that I see and that nobody else gets to see.  _ I tried to pay attention to the lesson but now I was almost completely lost great… this is why math sucks before eight am. 

“It’s algebra, for right now she’s just going over the basics.” Connor told me just loud enough so that I could hear him. 

“Thanks Con, I owe you one.” I heard whispers amongst the classroom probably more gossip that was never even true. I started to actually take notes and started to understand some of this garbage. 

_ When are we ever going to use this in the real world? Like for real? I don’t need this shit for art. _ I smiled at Connor. 

_ And I don’t need this to be a psychologist what’s your point?  _ I replied whilst taking notes on the subject matter. 

_ I’m just saying, why even bother with this? Like if it’s not needed why teach it? Why not teach us how to do our taxes, budgeting, buying a home, things like that? Stuff that will actually be useful to the people who aren’t going to be an accountant.  _ I agreed with him as the next getting to know you worksheet was passed around and I groaned. 

_ Alright Con, let me ask you a question. What is the point of a getting to know you sheet? I mean other than Smith or Grisafi nobody has ever really cared about me or what I want to do with my own life.  _ I wrote as I looked at the first question. 

_ What is your bucket list? _ The question asked and I already knew the answer off the top of my head. 

_ Go to New York with my best friend, graduate from college, become a psychologist for the Autism spectrum, go to Las Vegas and see Ka, O, Mystere and Beatles Love all the popular Cirque shows around that area.  _ I saw that Connor had written his own little note on the notebook. 

_ She just wants to be sure that you’re a good person, which you are. She might not be the best of teachers but she is just another teacher. Smith and Grisafi are different they have actual souls and aren’t just doing this to torment the students.  _ I laughed at him as I looked at the next question. 

_ Is there anything that I need to know about you particularly that might help me understand you better? _ I sighed and wrote the truth. 

_ I have Aspergers, it limits my contact with people. Don’t listen to the rumors that have been spread about me through the school either.  _ I smiled as Connor began to pull faces to try to make me laugh, one of them worked. I laughed and everyone stared at me. 

“What? A girl can’t laugh at her best friend being a weirdo?” He asked the class angrily and they all shut up. I smiled thankfully as I looked at the next question. 

_ What do you look for in a friend? _ I smiled as I looked at Connor who was multitasking drawing while doing the worksheet. 

_ I look for someone who is protective and can draw the attention away from me. I love a friend who’s quirky, wacky, weird, and loves musical theater. I love a friend with a sense of humor and good taste in music. He has to appreciate the artwork of Disney movies, childish or not. He also needs to be his own person. Reputation doesn’t matter to me. As long as I think he’s a good person it doesn’t matter what others think about our friendship.  _ I wrote and Connor looked over at my paper and smiled at me. 

“You’re amazing, I hope that you know that. I love having you around as a friend.” 

“Me too Con, me too. You’re the best friend that I could ever ask for.” He put his arm around my shoulder protectively. I went to the last and final question. 

_ If you had the ability to go back in time, where would you go and what would you do? _ I thought about the question and I had a couple of answers. 

_ I have a couple of ideas since I sort of think about this question a lot. I would go back in time and save John Lennon from being assassinated so young. I would go back in time to see Freddie Mercury perform live with Queen before he passed away. Finally, I would go back in time and see Newsies with my best friend, not really a big deal, but I would love to see him smile at the images on the stage.  _ I finished as the bell rang for the next class as me and Connor turned in the papers to the teacher as she smiled at us as we left. 

“She must be new this year, she smiled at me. Most of the teachers are scared of their minds of me.” Connor mentioned as we were off to Mrs. Grisafi language arts class thank god, she was one of our favorite teachers. 

“Maybe she just wants to get the students herself instead of listening to rumors like Mrs. Smith or Mrs. Grisafi?” I asked him and he nodded faintly. 

“Yeah you could be right there, I’m just glad that she’s trying to get to know her students.” Connor said as we opened the door to our language arts class, same one that we had last year. We saw Mrs. Grisafi smile at us for we were some of her favorite students last year. 

“Morning Connor, Dani. We have the usual setting chart this year.” She smiled kindly at especially Connor since she knew how much that meant to him to be treated with kindness. We checked the setting chart and saw that we were in the front row and were sitting next to each other again. 

“How was your summer Grisafi?” Connor asked her as we both took our seats at the desks that we were assigned. 

“It was pretty nice. I wish it was still here but for the time that it was here it was nice. I took the boys up to New York. We saw Great Comet Of 1812.” My eyes light up at the name and so did Connor’s. Other students started to file in. 

“What was that like?” I asked her and she smiled at me. 

“It was amazing, Lucas Steele was incredible very handsome too.” She winked at my best friend and he had a slight blush to his cheeks before he laughed at her. I saw Evan come in and he was actually the table right next to ours. Connor blushed again as Evan sat down and took out his notebook. I took out mine and wrote. 

_ Say something to him Connor. Just go for it and do it.  _ I saw Connor start to shake his head but took my advice anyways. Evan was typing something out on a chromebook it look like some sort of letter to himself. I used to have to do those for my own therapy sessions. 

“So. What happened to your arm?” Connor asked and I smiled that was a good start. Evan jumped slightly startled that Connor was talking to him. He had a slight blush on his cheeks that looked adorable. 

“Oh… I-I umm… Fell out of a tree actually.” Evan admitted but I looked at him skeptically and so did Connor. Connor started to laugh and I smacked his hand lightly. 

“Connor that’s not very nice.” I lectured and he turned to me. 

“I know it’s not Dani, but seriously. You fell out of a tree? That’s just about the saddest fucking thing that I’ve ever heard. Oh my god.” Connor had Evan laughing along anxiously and I wanted nothing more than to help this poor kid. 

“No one’s signed your cast?” I noticed and Evan looked up at me panicked. 

“No I know. I’m sort of a loser.” I looked up at him and gave him some of my best advice. 

“Nobody’s a true loser. I mean you have Jared right? As evil as he is, I’m sure that he has some semblance of a heart right?” That was the first time I ever heard him laugh genuinely. 

“N-No not even he will sign my cast. I asked but he just left me standing there.” Connor scoffed and turned back to Evan as the five minute bell rang. 

“I’ll sign it.” Connor told him with a small smile. 

“Oh umm… You don’t have too.” Evan said panicked that we would somehow judge him. Connor shook his head. 

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked the shy boy and Evan nodded his head handing Connor the marker. Connor grabbed his arm a little too roughly and Connor panicked slightly before loosening his grip. 

“Oh. Great. Thanks.” Evan smiled nervously. 

“Now we can both pretend that we have more than one friend.” Connor said and I laughed at him. 

“God what am I over here? Chopped liver?” I joked and he ruffled my hair to which I swatted his hands away. Evan went to go and print his paper as the late bell for class rang. He put his paper on the table and Connor saw it before his eyes went angry. 

“Is this about my sister?” He asked angrily and I tried to take his hand to calm him down. Sometimes this tactic didn’t work but this was one of the rare times that it did. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing right Evan? Zoe’s pretty nice isn’t she?” I turned to Evan and he nodded slightly concerned about Connor. 

“I-I’m s-sorry.” He stuttered out and Connor turned to him. 

“What’s this for anyways? Dani used to have to do these for her therapist back in elementary school is it like that?” Evan nodded his head solemnly. 

“Yeah, i-it’s supposed to help m-me have a-a better d-day.” I nodded at him. 

“They don’t help though do they? There’s only so much writing about your problems that one can take. At least that’s what I found. Sometimes talking about your issues is the way to go.” I barely heard him murmur. 

“No one to talk to.” Before Grisafi started our class.

“Welcome to our first day students, I recognize a lot of your faces from when I taught sophomore english as well. I know that you would all rather be anywhere but here. But, I hope that at the very least, you have a fun time learning and reading in my class.” Grisafi introduced the class before turning to do roll call. 

“I know that I seem angry and brash and Zoe most definitely hates my guts at this point. I don’t know why I’m still so protective over her.” Connor told us and Evan turned to him in surprise. 

“I-I d-don’t h-have an intention of d-dating her if that's-what you’re w-worried about.” He stuttered out and Connor turned to him. 

“Then why did you write about her?” Connor whispered back just loud enough for only us three to hear. 

“B-because she w-was nice to me t-this morning. A-after you two left, s-she came and asked me if I was alright.” I could sense him calming down. 

“Okay, I can live with that.” I had an idea for Evan to maybe make him be at ease around us. 

“Hey Evan, I have some chocolate chip cookies in my backpack. Would you like one? I can give you mine, I really don’t mind. Trust me they are really good, Connor loves them and why am I babbling about chocolate chip cookies?” Mrs. Grisafi laughed as did the rest of the class.       

“I-I-I would l-love some actually.” I smiled and got my bag of them from my backpack and gave my two to Evan. 

“I-I babble t-too j-just so you know.” I smiled at Evan as Mrs. Grisafi handed out the worksheets for her to get to know us. 

“What do you babble about Hansen? This one babbles about pretty much anything that she loves. You should see her in our  musical theater class or when she’s watching a Disney movie.” I smacked Connor upside the head gently and glared at him halfheartedly. 

“I babble about trees. I really love trees they’re really great I mean just think about how many different kinds that there are in the world? Plus they protect animals for shelter from the wind and cold and rain… I’m doing it right now aren’t I? I should really just shut up… I’msosorryJaredhatesitwhenIbabblehemakesfunofmewhenithappens.” Evan began to have a panic attack and bolted from the classroom without saying where he was going. 

“We’ll go after him, won’t we Dani?” I nodded as Mrs. Grisafi approved of us going to look for him. 

“When you have a sensory overload you go to the theater… Where would Hansen go?” I heard sobbing coming from the boys bathroom and we both stopped. 

“Apparently in there, I can’t go in there. I’ll wait out here?” He nodded and went inside to go and calm him down. I crouched down on the ground and simply waited for my best friend when I heard that same voice. 

“Wow stooping so low to get a boyfriend that you wait outside the boy’s bathroom?” Jared drawled and I was this close to losing my cool with this prick. 

“No I’m not looking for a boyfriend. Maybe when teenage boys stop being perverts I’ll start looking for one.” I sighed as he didn’t go away but instead sat next to me. 

“Then what are doing out here?” 

“None of your business.” I told him praying that he would just shut up already. 

“What drew you to be dating the school shooter anyways?” 

“I have told you a thousand times Kleinman that I’m not dating Connor. God can a guy and a girl be best friends without there being assholes like you getting in the way of things?” I scoffed at him he fake laughed at me. 

“You’re not fooling anyone. Even if it’s a friends with-” I heard the door swing open and Connor came back outside of the bathroom with Evan on his heels looking a lot better. 

“Kleinman, what the fuck are you doing with my best friend?” Connor growled as Evan looked at him surprise and what I could see as a small smile. 

“I was just trying to find the nature of your ‘friendship’ no two best friends can be as close as you two. Evan what are you doing with the school shooter and his whore-” Connor got in his face trying to look threatening to Jared.   

“Alright Kleinman, I didn’t want to have to threaten you. Wait…I’m just kidding I do want to threaten you. Stay away from Daniella and Evan for the rest of time and I won’t have to meaner than I am right now. You don’t talk to them and if I so much as see you talking to them, there will be hell to pay. Do. You. Understand. Me.” Jared sputtered out. 

“But my car insurence… Evan was the only way that my parents would be willing to let me keep it.” I rolled my eyes at him. Me and Evan looked at Connor who looked ready to kill him. 

“So that’s why you were friends with Evan, because of something so fucking pitiful as car insurance?!” He grabbed Jared by the collar as he pried him off. 

“Connor, yes he’s an asshole but, if you hurt him you’ll get in bigger trouble. Answer me this, is of all people Kleinman worth it?” I asked him as he calmed down when Evan looked at him worried for him. 

“You’re right as usual Dani, Kleinman, get the fuck out of here.” Connor growled as Jared ran away in sheer terror. We waited moments before laughter took over all three of us, it was the first time I heard Evan actually laugh and it was an adorable sound. We all walked back to Grisafi  classroom just as the bell rang. 

“You three stay here.” Mrs. Grisafi told us and we nodded. 

“Is she going to be angry with us?” Evan asked and I shook my head with a laugh. 

“One of the things you need to know about Grisafi Hansen, is that she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. She’s one of the few teachers that actually really likes me. Maybe because I actually try in this class.” Connor informed Evan and Evan blushed when Connor ruffled his hair. I smiled at the two of them, they were really cute together. 

“I-I don’t know if I-I should thank you f-for finally getting rid of Jared or be h-horrifed by the w-way you did it…” We all started laughing again as Mrs. Grisafi came into her office. 

“I knew putting you three together would work out. Now, Evan right?” Evan nodded slowly and quietly. 

“I don’t know you very well, but, whenever one of your panic attacks or sensory overloads come, can you at least let me know so I know that you’re okay?” She informed Evan and he nodded shyly. 

“I have had these two in class last year” She jerked a thumb at me and Connor. “They’re actually really great, intelligent students. I think that you three will get along perfectly.” I heard the five minute bell go off. 

“Where’s your next class Hansen?” Connor asked Evan. 

“A-Art, but I don’t know where the room is…”    
“Follow us then, we know where that is. That’s our next class too.” We led Evan down the hallways and then we entered the room which smelled like paint and charcoal pencils. One of my favorite smells in the entire school. 

“Ah, I love that smell.” Connor sighed as we found our spots in the front row as usual. 

“Why do you guys chose to sit up front?” Evan asked as he sat next to Connor with me on the end. 

“Depends on the class actually, if we love the teacher we want to be closer to them. But, if we hate the class we sit towards the back.” I tried to explain as I got my big sketchbook out of my new Doctor Who backpack. I put my sketchbook on the table and Connor did the same thing with his. Evan just looked kind of confused. 

“We need sketchbooks for this class?” He asked us and we nodded. 

“He’ll probably let you use one of his books if you don’t have one already.” Connor mentioned as Evan froze up at the sheer idea of talking to a teacher that he didn’t know. 

“I can ask him for you, Mr. Stinson is a great teacher.” I asked Evan and he nodded. 

“W-would you mind?” 

“Of course I wouldn’t. I’ll go and ask him now.” I went up to his front desk. 

“Hi Stins, I actually completely forgot my sketchbook at home. Can I use one of your’s?” I asked the teacher and he nodded his head at me. 

“Of course you may Dani, just keep this one.” He handed me a big sketchbook and I took it back to Evan. 

“Merry Christmas.” I said depositing it in his spot. 

“B-But it’s September?” I laughed at him and so did Connor. 

“Sorry running joke between me and Connor. When we were kids and we would do trick or treating together we would always say Merry Christmas instead of Happy Halloween as we left.” 

“W-Why?” 

“Because we’re weird.” We said at the same time laughing at each other. Stinson got up to the front and started class. 

“Morning class!! I wanted today’s assignment to be something that’s important to you. Because I want to know something about each of you so try to make it as much of your personality as you can.” He advised going to the back row first. I opened the first page and decided to draw all my islands of personality from Inside Out that I thought I might have. 

“What are you going to sketch Hansen?” Connor asked our newer friend and Evan smiled faintly. 

“A forest of trees. I do mostly nature art. What about you Connor?” That was the first sentence with us where he hadn’t stuttered. 

“Hmm… Probably going to do my first Broadway show that I saw, Phantom of the opera. It was for Dani’s seventh birthday.” Connor mentioned and I nodded. 

“I love that show so much…”    
“What are you drawing Daniella?” Evan asked me and I told him. 

“First thing, no full names with me. I love my full name but prefer my nickname Dani that Connor gave me when I was six. I’m drawing what I think all my personality islands might be from the Pixar movie Inside out.” I explained as I started on my first island which would be Cirque island. That one had tumblers, aerialists and all sorts of other acts that seemed to defy gravity. My second island was friendship island. That one little mini versions of me and Connor just being goofballs, and I sketched Evan as well laughing at us from under a tree because I considered him a friend now. I also had family island with me and my uncle in all his glory. There was also Disney island where at the helm was Sleeping beauty’s in Disneyland, the mad teacups ride, big thunder mountain, Mr. Toad's wild ride, and Guardians Of The Galaxy: Mission Breakout which me and Connor rode like crazy people when we went last summer. Finally there was musical theater island covered with my favorite cast albums. I dusted off my hands and blew slightly on the spots that the eraser had stuck to the paper. I looked over at Connor’s who had made this beautiful mask with his favorite lyrics sketched across the outline of the paper. Evan’s forest was gorgeous and had a lot of detail and it seemed to suit him perfectly. 

“What kind of artwork is happening over here?” Stinson asked us and Evan panicked slightly until I saw Connor grab his hand to draw light circles into it like he did with me whenever I got anxious. 

“I-I made a-a forest.” Evan stuttered out showing his forest to our teacher. The teacher made a sound of surprise. 

“I’ve never had you in my class before Evan, welcome. There’s really no need to be nervous. Plus you’re sitting by two of my best students.” He told Evan with a smile before he moved down to Connor. 

“Excellent work Connor, I love the detail on the mask combined with the words that you put around the mask. Are you going to ink the words?” Connor shrugged and grabbed one of my inking pens that I always used for words. 

“Alright now, what’s this exactly Dani?” I turned it towards him so that he could get a better view of the page. 

“It’s all the islands that make up my personality. I have Cirque island, friendship island, family island, Disney island, and a theater island.” I explained to him and he nodded. 

“Like in Inside Out?” He asked and I nodded my head excitedly. I heard the bell ring overhead and I put my sketchbook back in my backpack. It was time for theater class, lunch and then lastly gym and then I could go to the orchard with Connor like he promised after school. 

“Where’s your next class Evan?” I asked him as we all exited the art room. 

“I think I have american history with-I’m not even going to try on his last name.” Me and Connor both started laughing. 

“Mr. Kuipers? He’s fantastic!! Just trust me on that one. We have Smith in the theater wing, but you have second lunch right?” He nodded and smiled faintly at us. 

“Yes I’ll see you guys there? Notthatyouhavetobut-” Connor interrupted him by pressing a finger to his lips. 

“We’re your friends now Hansen, so I promise you that we’ll be there.” He told him as he took my hand and bolted down the hallway. 

“Connor!! Slow down you crazy man Jesus!!” We stopped outside of the musical theater room. 

“What the hell is wrong with you Con?” I asked my best friend who was currently freaking out. 

“I just humiliated myself!! He’s going to think I’m weird or something.” I laughed at him and he looked at me like I was crazy. 

“Connor, I think Evan might actually get this, like you back. He at the very least is your friend now. That’s farther than you are now right?” He nodded. 

“And he didn’t run away from you right?” He shook his head. 

“Then that means you are not out for the woods yet Con. Of course things could still go wrong, but that just means that you still have the time to keep trying to get his attention.” He nodded giving me a hug that I easily reciprocated. We walked into the classroom to see Mrs. Smith at her desk with multiple other newer students who all gasped at the fact that Connor Murphy was in this class. The bell rang and I assumed that this was everyone since the musical theater group didn’t get a whole lot of love. 

“Good morning my young singers, dancers, and actors. Welcome to musical theater class. Let’s lay down a few ground rules alright? My first rule is that everyone here treats each other with respect. Think of us as a small family. My second rule is that with everything in here you try your hardest with everything that you do. I grade effort here, if you put the effort into the project than you will get the credit. No effort no credit. My third and final rule is that there are so many musicals out there in the world. Nobody has heard of every musical, so don’t mock the music that partners chose to  sing. Not every project here will require two people, but a couple of them will. Let’s have everyone get in groups of two, and plan out a song that you will perform in our theater in say… half an hour that work with everyone?” We all nodded and Connor grabbed my shoulder. 

“We partners again this year?” 

“You know it!! What should we do… Has to show off both of our talents…” I thought for a moment before Connor interrupted my train of thought. 

“Hold the phone, I got it!! We do Partner In Crime from Tuck Everlasting.” I cheered for my best friend for coming up with that brilliant idea. 

“Connor you are a genius!!” He puffed out his chest. 

“I know.” I rolled my eyes at my best friend. 

“Geez, how did I know that was coming?” I rolled my eyes as I made a beeline for the piano just to make sure that I remembered how to play this song. I had a massive Tuckie obsession when a few years ago when that was a thing, but it stopped being a thing before me and Connor could see it together. 

“Yep I still got it, that’s good.” Connor moved to my side and grinned up at me. 

“Oh no, that grin means bad things are going to come doesn’t it?” I asked him rhetorically already knowing the answer to that question. He lifted me up and all the other students looked at us like we were crazy. 

“COnNOr!! PUt Me DOWN!!” Everyone started sort of laugh especially Mrs. Smith who knew that this was an everyday thing. He thankfully put me down and I glared at him. 

“That was so not funny you jerk!!” I gently pushed him and he whimpered in pain. 

“Ow Dani that hurt!!” 

“Oh my god, will you stop being a child.” I lectured halfheartedly as everyone still was staring at us. 

“Alright both of you, do you need to go to separate rooms?” Mrs. Smith asked with a joking eyebrow raised. I saw another student come in through the room handing Mrs. Smith a late slip from another teacher. 

“I don’t think that I’ve ever seen you around here before, what’s your name young man?” Mrs. Smith asked our newest student and he flushed at all the  attention that was being directed at him. 

“My name’s Leo, I just moved to this town.” He smiled at everyone and he really had a heart stopping smile and he definitely had me under his spell already. 

“Tell us a bit about yourself Leo, where’d you move here from?” One of the female students asked batting her eyelashes at him as Connor and I both gagged. 

“I’m from California, my parents just relocated here because of my mom’s new job around the area.”  He finally turned my way and I saw his eyes widen. Connor took me to the backstage green room. 

“Alright, talk to me. That boy obviously has you feeling things. Am I right?” He sat me down with his feet on my lap. 

“Yes alright, yes. Doesn’t mean that I’m going to do anything about it.” He scoffed at me. 

“You have to do something about it, the way that he looked at you versus the other girls that were pretty much saying fuck me into next week with their eyes.” I frowned at my best friend. 

“Yeah, well what’s he going to want with me? I’m not anything Connor, let’s just face some facts here. I’m not important to anybody.” He wrapped his arms around me in a hug. 

“You’re not nothing, never think that you’re nothing. You’re everything to me, and to everyone else around you as well. You’re so important not just to me, but to Evan as well. Even though we are only really just getting to know him I think we could be really good friends.” I smiled at my best friend and buried the crook of my neck in his shoulder.

“Class to the theater let’s see what you got!!” Mrs. Smith cheered and we separated going to the theater. We wanted to go first since that way we could get this over with. I loved performing in front of people but probably couldn’t do it without Connor my best friend. We took the piano that was kept offstage for those of us who were nerds and knew how to play it and pushed it out and onto the stage. We stood in the spotlight and smiled at our audience. 

“My name’s Connor Murphy and I’ll be playing the part of Jesse Tuck.” 

“My name’s Daniella Smishtone and I’ll be playing the part of Winnie Foster.” I moved to the piano with Connor at my side as the fun loving carnival tune began to play from the piano. 

_ “( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) The Pyramids, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Rio Grande, The Rhine, I’ve seen the seven wonders of the world… Can’t wait for eight and nine. But because of my predicament, my peculiar situation to keep my profile low, low, low. I’m a one man operation. ( _ **_Me_ ** _ ) Jesse!! I’ve got it!! You need a partner in crime someone to share in the view. Why see the world in all it’s glory, without a friend to tell your stories to? ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) Someone to stand at my side two extra fists in a fight!! Why should the road be long and lonely? ( _ **_Me_ ** _ ) Why not team up? (Both) We’ve only got tonight. ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) If no one’s there to hear it does a falling tree make sound?( _ **_Me_ ** _ ) Are we heard or seen or anything without a friend around? ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) The old great wall, the Taj Mahal, yes, they all have merit ( _ **_Me_ ** _ ) But this traveling fair could take the cake because you get to share it!! ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) Carrot? ( _ **_Both at different times_ ** _ ) You need a partner in crime (I need a partner in crime) Someone to share in a laugh (Someone to share in a laugh) Running in place without a pace setter ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ ) I’m out of place without my better half!! ( _ **_Me)_ ** _ With you ( _ **_Connor_ ** _ the fun is two for one ( _ **_Me)_ ** _ And chock full of surprises!! With you the line moves twice as fast ( _ **_Both)_ ** _ And no one realizes ( _ **_Connor)_ ** _ To do whatever we do now will merit reminiscing ( _ **_Both)_ ** _ With two I finally feel somehow like something isn’t missing. I have a partner, a partner in crime someone to share in view. Why see the world in all it’s glory without a friend to tell your stories to? Last night for fun at the fair sun’s setting tomorrow we’re gone. You need a partner, a partner in crime. Stuck in sticky situation lucky the trick’s collaboration. Why should the road be long and lonely? We’ve only got tonight!! A partner in crime!! My partner in crime!!”  _ We finished the song to rapturous applause from the crowd in the theater and laughed as we bowed.    
“That was brilliant you two, now tell me, what show was that from?” Connor took the answer to Mrs. Smith’s question. 

“A show called Tuck Everlasting, it ran on Broadway a few years ago, but then got canceled because apparently not enough people were into it.” He smiled at me as Mrs. Smith asked me the next question. 

“Now, if this show were the real deal, how would it be staged?” 

“In the show, this number takes place at a carnival. So I’d imagine a bunch of different types of clowns, games, food, and tents full of things to do.” I explained and she nodded her head to my ideas as we went to go and sit down towards the middle of the theater. 

“Are you going to talk to that boy?” Connor whispered to me as the next group started, their names were Emily and Annie, they were doing Popular from Wicked. 

“No, I’m not going to talk to him. I’ll get rejected. I just know it Connor so will you please for the love of god, let it go.” I whispered back and he grabbed my hand to draw light circles into my hand. 

“You’re not going to get rejected though, that’s just the point. You’re so smart, funny, sassy, beautiful, kind hearted, loving and protective. What’s there about you that he wouldn’t love and adore like I do?” 

“And if he doesn’t Connor?” 

“Than fuck him, it’s his problem not your’s hon.” He shrugged and I smiled at him. 

“Alright Con, if it’ll get you off my back, I’ll go and try to talk to him.” I stood up and shyly pushed some hair out from behind my ear. I walked over to where he was sitting up with Mrs. Smith and he waved to me. 

“Hi, I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Leo Martin.” I put my hand out for him to shake but was surprised when he kissed it instead. 

“I-I’m Daniella Smithstone. Welcome to Richmond high.” I blushed probably something close to a tomato. 

“Thank you so much. You know, you’re a really talented performer. I love that show a lot. My heart broke when I read that it wasn’t doing well enough to stay open.” Leo told me as he offered the seat next to him and I sat next to him pushing another lock of hair behind my ear. I saw Connor from our old seat wink at me and I made a panicked look like I didn’t know where to go with this. He mouthed  _ talk to him you dumbass!! It’s obvious that he wants to get to know you!!  _ I blushed and decided to get to know the person sitting next to him. 

“So what part of California are you from?” I asked him as the next group went. 

“I’m from a small town called Thousand Oaks. It’s kind of like this town, not a lot to do there but I loved it there.” I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. I couldn’t maintain his eye contact though, as much as I wanted to get lost in his gorgeous sky blue eyes. He lifted my chin up with the tip of his finger and I blushed when he met my eyes. His eyes were looking into my green ones and it was sending warmth throughout my body. 

“There we go, you have beautiful eyes.” I blushed even more when I heard Connor start laughing at me. I stuck my tongue out at him like a child. He laughed at me and so did Leo. 

“That your best friend?” I nodded. 

“Actually more people say boyfriend, but no he’s just my crazy bestie.” I explained and shockingly he waved Connor up to us and patted the seat next to him. I saw that Connor was surprised too. He sat down in the cushy seat and Leo introduced himself to Connor. 

“I’m Leo Martin, nice to meet you.” He shook Connor’s hand and Connor must have realized that this boy really knew nothing about his past or about the rumors that surrounded his name pretty much. 

“I’m Connor Murphy, nice to meet you too.” Connor looked at me with a smile as I could almost read his mind. 

“So Leo, you into theater?” Connor asked him and I thwacked my head internally, how could I possibly forget about one of the most important questions in the entire world to me. 

“Of course I do, wouldn’t be here if I didn’t!! My favorite is Hamilton, Tuck, Great Comet and Newsies.” Leo replied and I could see the approval ratings just go up in Connor’s mind. I heard the bell ring for us to go to our next classes. 

“You have second lunch right?” I asked Leo and he nodded. 

“Why not come and sit with us? It’s only me, Connor and Evan, but he’s pretty great.” I recommend and Leo blushed before walking with us anyways. 

“I’m telling you that guy is totally into you Dani. He doesn’t seem like an asshole either and you know that I have an asshole radar. You should ask him out or something.” Connor mentioned to me as we waited for Leo to get his bag from inside the classroom while we were outside.

“Look who’s talking, you ask Evan out.” I rejected back at him as Leo came out of the classroom sending me a dazzling smile. 

“You two didn’t have to wait for me.” He mentioned and I blushed. 

“Not a problem man, you would have probably never found us either way. Our lunchroom is kind of crazy like that.” Connor informed him and walked slightly ahead of me and Leo so that we could talk. 

“So what else are you into?” I asked him and he smiled as I avoided eye contact yet again. 

“I love Disney animated films mostly the nineties stuff and Beauty and The Beast is my favorite movie of all time. I love music obviously, but all eighties music pretty much. I am a huge fan of a circus that is built in Montreal called-” I had to interrupt him because I was just so excited to hold it back. 

“You love Cirque Du Soleil?! What shows have you seen? I haven’t seen any but I’m obsessed with their art style and the fact that they don’t use animals in their productions. I also love a lot of their music as well, my favorite is Ovo.” I told him and he laughed at me. 

“I have seen Alegria that’s one of the most beautiful shows in the history of life itself. But one of the things on my bucket list is to visit Las Vegas and see all of the famous Cirque shows down there.” Leo told me and I saw his arms animatedly explain things and I thought that it was the most adorable thing that I had ever seen. 

“That’s amazing!! I’ve always wanted to see Mystere myself, the Red Bird is just gorgeous.” 

“Who got you into Cirque?” 

“Believe it or not, it was actually Connor, he saw Quidam when it was in town a few years back with his rich parents and loved it. Came to me the next day and told me all about it. They’re coming back here in a few months with a show called Totem and he has promised me tickets.” I told him and Connor laughed. 

“I said that I would try, when did I ever promise that?” 

“Of course he forgets when I bring it up. Remember for Christmas that you said that would be my birthday present?” Realization dawned on his face and he blushed.

“Oh yeah, about that…” 

“You don’t have them do you?” 

“No I don’t. I’m so so sorry Dani. It completely slipped my mind.” I hugged my best friend and Leo looked at me with heart eyes I could see. 

“Con, it doesn’t matter if you have the tickets or not. What matters is that you’re still here with me. I couldn’t care less about tickets to a silly show.” I comforted and his face went even more stoic. 

“But I promised-” 

“None of that, you’ve kept literally every other promise but this one. This is just a minor promise.” He hugged me back just standing in the middle of the hallway. 

“We should get to lunch, Hansen’s probably going to be waiting for us.” I followed him to the lunch room.    
“That was really kind of you to just forgive him like that. Most people would have started screaming at him for that.” Leo said following me with his hands in his pockets. 

“Well I’m a naturally forgiving person. I mean he’s got a lot on his plate. He’s my best friend but he also is allowed to make mistakes.” I told him and blushed when he caught my eyes but I looked down. 

“Why do you do that? I mean you have the most beautiful eyes in entire world?” Leo asked me while it looked like he wanted to hold my hand. 

“I have Asperger’s. In layman's terms it mean that I’m naturally socially awkward with people aside from Connor and those who are genuine like you. It also means that I have a horrible reputation with eye contact, I can’t do it. It freaks me out.” I explained trying to make him understand. He lifted up my chin making me look in his ocean blue eyes. 

“Does this freak you out?” He asked me non judgemental of whatever I would say. 

“For some odd, unknown reason I’m going to be honest here no.” I told him honestly and heard Connor yell at us. 

“Hey lovebirds!! Hansen’s already here, I’m going to go grab my lunch!!” We both blushed as Connor laughed at us. We found Evan easily and I led Leo to where he was sitting. 

“Evan? I’m sorry to bring another person to lunch, but he’s a new student and I wanted him to have somewhere to sit.” I explained and Evan nodded. 

“T-That’s f-fine.” 

“Are you sure? I can just leave you and Connor and maybe go up to the library.” I told him and he shook his head. 

“No please don’t leave me with Connor.” I heard him say and sat down with Leo next to me. 

“Hi I’m Leo Martin, nice to meet you.” Leo introduced himself and Evan shyly nodded. 

“My names Evan H-Hansen.” Evan told him and Leo nodded in affirmation. 

“So why don’t you want to be left alone with Connor?” I asked him and Evan blushed like tomato. 

“N-No r-reason.” 

“He doesn’t still scare you does he? I know that he can be more than a little bit intimidating but he’s really harmless Evan.” I informed him and Evan shook his head. 

“He doesn’t scare me anymore. Well not in the way that he used to anyways, I’m mostly scared if I do something awkward and he won’t want to hang out with him anymore and I’m babbling I’m sorry.” Leo shook his head at him. 

“Don’t apologize for doing that Evan, I find it rather intriguing.” 

“That’s because you don’t do it.” Me and Evan both said at the same time as we all laughed and Connor showed up and sat his tray down. 

“What’s so funny?” He asked as I got my fruit salad and his cookies out of my bag. 

“Me and Evan said something at the same time on accident.” I explained as I got my fork out and opened my fruit salad and got weird looks from all three of them. 

“I had a big breakfast, my uncle made me a big breakfast this morning.” I told them and handed Connor his cookies. He whooped with joy as he ate his lunch. 

“You live with your uncle?” Leo asked and I nodded. 

“I’ve lived with him ever since I was six and my parents passed away.” He looked at me in shock and started to instantly open his mouth to apologize but I put a finger to his lips to stop the apology. 

“Don’t apologize Leo, it was a long time ago. I don’t remember them that much so it doesn’t really matter. I met this guy shortly after anyway’s.” I said jerking a thumb at Connor as we all laughed and I heard a sarcastic laugh as well. I turned and saw the one and only Jared Kleinman giving me the death glare from his table right next to our’s. 

“Connor, don’t do anything reckless.” I ordered him and he put his hands up in surrender. 

“What made you think that I was going to do anything reckless?” 

“You’re kidding right, I’ve known you since I was six years old and been best friends with you since then too.” He sunk and I smiled at him. 

“Are you still upset about those tickets?” I asked him knowing him too well to know what he was thinking. 

“What tickets?” Evan asked and Connor turned to him. 

“Apparently I promised Dani that I would get her Totem tickets on Christmas that I would get them as soon as they went on sale and I forgot about them until she just reminded me.” I patted his back as he went to throw his lunch away. 

“You s-shouldn’t feel bad a-about that Connor. I-I mean I-I’m sure that if you remembered you would have g-gotten them right?” Connor nodded at Evan’s statement. 

“Then it shouldn’t matter Connor, I know that I’m the newer person around here. But I think you’re a great friend to Danielle.” Connor smiled at Leo. 

“I try to but sometimes my reputation drags her down with me. I wish I never threw that printer.” Connor muttered and Leo’s eyes widened. 

“Threw a printer?” 

“He did it to defend me, it was a last minute decision. Mrs. Cronister didn’t give him much of a choice. She was our bitchy second grade teacher who would constantly bully me. One day Connor just felt that he needed to defend me, so he threw the first thing that he saw. A printer.” Leo nodded as if he understood. 

“Not going to lie, I would have probably did the same thing. Did she get fired?” I shook my head at him. 

“Nope, she’s still there. Pulled some bullshit story that I did it because I couldn’t be line leader that day.” Connor told him sigh as I moved to give him a hug but Evan beat me to it. Connor instantly sat up and stared at Evan with wide eyes at the sudden display of affection.    
“I-I always thought that Mrs. Chronister's story was a bit off. S-She used to pick on me too.” Evan admitted and Connor hugged him back. 

“So you know about me, but I know nothing about any of you. Tell me about yourself.” Leo asked me as he sat down after throwing his sandwich baggie away and took a mango chunk from my bowl. 

“Well, I was born in New York City, moved here when I was six as you already know. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s after an incident in the first grade, not the best year for me as you can tell. I love Disney movies as well and of course theater changed my life though my favorite musicals are God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, Newsies, Great Comet, Hamilton and of course Tuck. I also love to draw a whole lot, it’s one of my favorite things. My safe haven is a little old orchard that is shut down because it’s quiet and there’s no people down there.  I was introduced to my biggest fandom, Doctor Who when I was nine and a half my uncle decided that it was high time that I watched the newer series so that I could get caught up. I fell in love with the characters, especially the Tenth Doctor he’s my favorite. I learned to play piano when I was ten because I wanted to learn how to play Elton John songs.” Everyone laughed at me that was sitting at the table. I loved Leo’s laugh it was extremely adorable and entirely unique. I smiled brightly as Evan asked me the next question. 

“What’s God Bless You Mr. Rosewater? I mean I love theater too, so I’m just a little curious.” 

“It’s about a man named Eliot Rosewater, he owns this Foundation that provides anyone with anything that’s creative for money. You name it he’s got it. He decides to go to a town called Rosewater in Ohio to help the people back on their feet again. It was Howard Ashman’s first collaboration together with Alan Menken. You’ve heard of them right?” Evan nodded excitedly. 

“M-My favorite m-musical is L-Little Shop Of Horrors. I-I love the music and characters that they created.” I smiled at Evan.    
“I love that show too, it’s brilliant. Just don’t watch the movie for the love of god.” We all got a good laugh out of that as the bell rang for my final class without any of these people. I groaned at the idea of having to leave all of these people.

“We should trade numbers.” Leo told me and I nodded getting out my phone so that he could save my number into his phone.

“What’s your next class?” Leo asked me and I groaned. 

“It’s gym, what’s your’s?” 

“Literature with Mrs. Grisafi.” He tried the last name and I laughed at him. 

“You’ve pretty much got it, she’s one of the best teachers in this school.” I waved goodbye to everyone as I left for gym. I entered the gym and saw all these strangers that I didn’t know. Of course none of them knew me either. I sat down in what I knew my spot would be as I hummed to myself. I saw the teacher who was ironically fat for a gym teacher, I would have to tell Connor about that on our way to A La Mode after school. 

“My name’s Mr. Francis, I’m going to put you all in your spots!!” He bellowed and I wanted to cover my ears I sat there for almost the duration of the period until Mr. Francis noticed that I was sitting there still. 

“What are you still doing sitting there?” I panicked since Connor wasn’t here. 

“W-Well I-I spaced o-ou s-sir.” I stuttered out and he rolled his eyes. 

“The bell rang five minutes ago, you can go home now.” I shot up to meet Connor at our meeting place in front of the school where he was with Evan. 

“Hey Connor.” I said tiredly as he turned to me. 

“What the fuck happened to you? We had only that one class without each other.” He asked me playing with the curls of my hair as Evan held my other hand out of comfort.

“Fat gym teacher was a jackass.” They both laughed at me. 

“Evan, are you coming with us?” Evan shook his head but looked sad at the fact that he had to leave us. 

“I have an appointment with Doctor Sherman, my psychologist.” He groaned and I smiled at him. 

“I’m sorry, it’s not the best, but that’s why I want to do it. We need better trained psychologists out there than the one’s that we have right now.” I informed him and Evan nodded. 

“He kind of h-has n-no soul.” I laughed even harder at the statement.    
“Maybe next time you can come Ev.” Connor mentioned to him and Evan kissed his cheek much to both of our surprise. 

“I-I-I have to go!!” Evan bolted away from Connor and me. Connor of course went chasing after him with me.    
“Evan!! Wait up!!” Connor yelled at Evan only making Evan run even faster. 

“Evan hold your damn horses!!” He tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and we both went rushing to his side. 

“Evan, is it possible, how long will your appointment take?” Connor asked our new friend. 

“A-About f-forty minutes.” Connor smiled brightly back at him. 

“We’ll come back, with A La Mode ice cream. How’s that sound?” Evan nodded his head excitedly. 

“We’ll wait for you in Doctor Sherman’s office alright?” He nodded and I left them to go get my car so that they could talk about what just happened. I found my car easily and drove up the road until I found them kissing passionately. I snapped a picture of them so that Connor could have a new lock screen and I honked my horn. 

“You two can be gay later!!” Connor glared at me as he helped Evan up off the ground and opened my car door still haven’t said a word to me. I grabbed my phone thinking that this would be adorable, I was going to put on Newsies. 

“Hey Evan, have you ever heard of Newsies?” I asked him and his eyes lit up excitedly. 

“It’s one of my favorites!! I love the show so much, the music is so brilliant. Jeremy Jordan is such a good Jack Kelly and Andrew Keenan Bolger as Crutchie don’t even get me started… I’m doing it again aren’t I?” Me and Connor laughed while nodding. 

“Then you’re about to see the most adorable thing on the face of this planet.” I put on Connor’s favorite, King Of New York. I watched his face go from a sour frown to a big smile as he started to do the tap routine while singing it in his chair. Evan looked at Connor like he was the most adorable thing that he had ever seen as we pulled up to the doctor’s office. We all got out of the car and Connor opened the door for me and Evan. We found Doctor Shermer’s office and Evan went to talk to the lady at the front desk. 

“H-hi I’m h-here t-to see D-Doctor S-Sherman.” Evan told the receptionist as he went to the window. 

“Hello Evan, who are the two people that are with you?” The nice lady asked us and I waved to her. 

“My name is Danielle.” 

“I’m Connor.” Connor flipped the hair out of his eyes. 

“Nice to meet you both. Are you Evan’s friends from school?” We both nodded and she smiled faintly at us. 

“You can have a seat in the chairs and Doctor will be right out. He’s just finishing up with a patient.” We all went to sit in the uncomfortable chairs and Connor turned to me. 

“Can you braid my hair please? It’s getting all in my face again I hate that.” I nodded and reached on my wrist for a hair tie even though mine was short at the moment just past my ears I still knew how to braid hair for Connor’s sake. 

“What kind of braid would you like Con?”    
“Can you french braid it?” I nodded and he turned to face Evan as the Doctor came out of the door a few seconds later. 

“Hello there Evan. Who do you have with you today? Where’s your mom?” The Doctor who was a bit older sounded like he really did have no soul. 

“T-These are t-two new friends that I made Doctor. This is Connor Murphy and Danielle Smithstone. My mom had to work today so they offered to come with and we’re getting ice cream afterwards.” Evan informed the doctor with a bright smile and the doctor looked at us surprised.

“You made some new friends Evan? What about Jared?” 

“He won’t be bothering me any longer.” Evan said to the Doctor and the Doctor smiled at him proudly. 

“You realize that was your first sentence around me without a stutter right Evan?” Evan nodded with a smile. 

“Yeah Doc, it has been like that mostly all day.” Connor noted and the Doctor smiled at all of us.

“Well Evan, I assume that you’ll have a lot to talk about today about your new friends?” Evan nodded happily following the Doctor as he smiled at us one last time before leaving. I began to french braid Connor’s hair waiting for him to start talking about what happened since I didn’t want to push him. 

“So after you left for fifth period, I found out that Evan had the same class that I did. It was a physics class and we were put together as lab partners. He started to talk to me about trees since we were just learning about each other today. He talked my ear off for about twenty minutes straight. It was just about the most adorable thing that I had ever seen. Mid-way through the class I started to hold his hand and he held mine. His hands are so soft and warm and they fit so perfectly with mine. Anyways, he realized that he was babbling about twenty minutes into our conversation and he shrank into himself much like you do when you get anxious. I used the same tactic I kissed his forehead and wrapped my arms around him before I could regret anything. The teacher, who’s a total powerhouse by the way, she’s an older one but isn’t scared shitless of me like any of the other older teachers that have been around the school. She told me that if all I was going to do was hug, then I should find another partner. I told her nope that this one was the perfect one for me. He blushed this adorable color as the bell rang. When you went to get the car, he was saying how sorry he was for kissing my cheek and how much I probably hated it. I told him that he would never have to worry about me hating him and then he just kissed me right there on the sidewalk.” As Connor got me up to speed on his life and I finished braiding his hair and tied it all together he came back to me smiling. 

“So you and Leo…” He mentioned wiggling his eyebrows as I shoved him lightly. 

“I don’t know Connor, he’s really nice to me. I have no idea how to do this though…” I muttered and he held my hand. 

“Don’t worry about having no idea of how these things are done. You think I do? I’m just as clueless as you are. I’m just for once in the past six years I’m happy around someone who isn’t just you. No offense.” 

“None taken, I’ve officially got at least two more friends now. That’s more than I ever thought that I would make. I thought it was just going to be you and me forever and that nobody would ever really see me.” I admitted and he rest his chin on my head for comfort.

“That’s not possible Dani. You’re too good to never fall in love.” I blushed as my phone dinged and I reached into my pocket to see a text from Leo. 

_ Leo: I really liked Mrs. Grisafi, she actually recommended that I talk to you and Connor. She seems to really love you two a lot. Not that I blame her, I think you both are really great in your own different ways. _ I blushed at the great comment and Connor leaned over my shoulder to look at the text. 

“Text him back.” He noticed my apprehension for doing so and put his arm around my shoulder. 

“I will when I figure out what to say? I mean I don’t know how to talk to a crush you know this!!” I told him and he gave me a look like he knew I was kidding. 

“You were fine when you were talking to him earlier today just do it and text him back.” I took his advice and asked the first question that came to my mind. 

_ Me: Umm thank you? I actually have a question for you not to sound rude or anything but, why are you like this? Flirty, nice to me? It’s just never happened to me before, mostly I just get ignored at school.  _

“And you see my point? I just humiliated myself, this is hard!!” I groaned as Connor took my phone from my hands.    
“I wouldn’t say that you messed up Dani. In my terms it was a valid question. You’re just curious as to why he is doing all these things, to which anybody would be. He’ll understand that.” Connor told me as I heard another ding from my phone and Connor looked at me and smirked. I grabbed my phone from my best friends hands so that I could look at it too. 

_ Leo: I’m sorry, I kind of did this wrong. See my mamá always told me that when a girl caught my interest and I just fell some kind of connection that is really hard to explain. She taught me that I should be a gentlemen to the girl who I’m interested in. The moment when I first saw you laughing with Connor, I thought that you were adorable. Then I heard you sing and thought that you were an angel. So really I’m sorry if it caught you off guard and if you don’t feel the same connection that I do then I’ll leave you alone I promise.  _ I heard the door open and out came Evan with a big smile on his face. 

“Good work today Evan, I’ll see you again next week. It was nice meeting the two of you today. Hopefully you’ll be back?” We both nodded and Evan went to grab Connor’s hand as we walked out to the car. 

“What are you going to say back to Leo?” Connor asked as I allowed him to drive. 

“I’m still thinking. How was your session Evan?” I changed the subject from my love life but Evan wasn’t having any of it. 

“What happened with Leo??” I groaned and rolled my eyes. 

“Honestly can the two of you nag at somebody else’s love life. He said that he was interested in me alright, I don’t know where to go from here though alright? I’m completely clueless as to how relationships work…” I told them and they rolled their eyes back at me. 

“Most high schoolers are clueless to how relationships work. All I think is that Leo is too good for you to allow him to walk away.” Connor advised as I took out my phone to text him back my fingers nervously pushing on the keys. 

_ Me: Wellll you certainly know how to fluster a girl don’t you? I’ll admit to the fact that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here. But, I know that it does feel different with you than it does with anybody else. I want to get to know you first though, I mean we just met today and how am I babbling over text.  _ I blushed as I sent the text. 

“There you two happy? Can I put some music back on please?” I asked my friends as I grabbed my phone. Connor clicked his tongue at me and shook his head at me.

“Driver gets to make the rules, hand me your phone.” I handed him phone so that he could plug it into the cord that allowed it to play through my phone onto the speakers. 

“Evan, what’s your favorite type of music?” Connor asked his boyfriend? I had no clue as to what they were and I don’t think that they did either. 

“I love older music, like eighties music. Specifically Elton John or Billy Joel they just kind of calm me down during days in school.” Connor hummed as he sifted through my phone finding one of my favorite Billy Joel songs that was one of his most fun songs to sing in a car, called Tell her about it.

_ “Listen boy don’t want to see you let a good thing slip away. You know I don’t like watching anybody make the same mistakes I made. She’s a real nice girl and she’s always there for you. But a nice girl wouldn’t tell you what you should do. Listen boy I’m sure that you think you’ve got it all under control. You don’t want somebody telling you how to stay in someone’s soul. You’re a big boy now you’ll never let her go. But that’s just the kind of thing she ought to know. Tell her about it tell her everything you feel. Give her every reason to accept that you’re for real. Tell her about it tell her all your crazy dreams let her know you need her let her know how much she means. Listen boy it’s not automatically a certain guarantee to insure yourself you’ve got to provide communication constantly. When you love somebody you’re always insecure and there’s only one good way to reassure. Tell her about it let her know how much you care. When she can’t be with you tell her how you wish that you were there. Tell her about it everyday before you leave give  her some attention give her something to believe. Cause now and then she’ll get to worrying just because you haven’t spoken in so long. Though you might not have done anything will that be consultation when she’s gone. Listen boy it’s good information from a man who’s made mistakes. Just a word or two that she gets from you could be the difference that it makes. She’s a trusting soul and she’s put her trust in you. But a girl like that won’t tell you what you should do. Tell her about it tell her everything you feel. Give her every reason to accept that you’re for real. Tell her about it tell her all your crazy dream. Let her know that you need her let her know how much means. Tell her about it, tell her how you feel right now tell her about it the girl don’t want to wait too long. You got to tell her about it tell her now and you won’t go wrong. You got to tell her about it before it gets too late. You got to tell her about it. You know the girl don’t want to wait- you got to tell her about it!!” _ I think at some point the entire car started to sing it and all the other cars were looking at us like we were psycho's. I realized that I hadn’t checked my phone since that song had started and reached into my pocket as we switched to Glass Houses. I saw the text and flushed instantly.    __

_ Leo: That’s fine, I wanted to get to know you anyways and met your uncle and get his permission to date you when that time comes. And about the babbling don’t worry about it I think it’s adorable!! Where are you heading? _ I smiled as I responded to him. 

_ Me: Out for ice cream at A La Mode with Evan and Connor. We just had a Billy Joel jam session, it was pretty epic. A lot of the other cars were looking at us very weirdly since Connor rolled down the windows to my car. _ I heard Connor cough. 

“What? Was I spacing out?”    
“You were off in lovey, dovey couple land and we’re here.” Connor told me and I blushed as my phone dinged again. 

_ Leo: That sounds highly epic, I can’t see Connor doing that though…  _

_ Me: Oh you don’t know the half of it, Connor has this secret, he loves old music. He can also tap the entirety of King Of New York when we saw Newsies last year it came here while on tour.  _ I walked into the shop as my best friend held the door open for me. I smiled thankfully at him as Evan found a seat for the three of us. 

“What would you like Evan?” I asked him and he smiled faintly at me. 

“V-Vanilla and chocolate in a bowl please.” I nodded at him and followed Connor up to the register. 

“You getting the usual?” Connor asked to me which I raised my eyebrow at him in my way of saying ‘would I ever change my favorite thing in the entire universe.’ He laughed at me and made our orders. 

“We’d like some cookie monster ice cream in a waffle cone, some strawberry cheesecake in a waffle bowl, and a scoop of vanilla and chocolate in a regular bowl please.” He told the worker who got all of our ice creams which Connor paid for and we went back to Evan. 

“We bring ice cream!!” Connor declared putting the ice cream that we had gotten for Evan in front to which Evan smiled brightly and kissed his cheek to which Connor blushed adorably and passed me my ice cream. I took a bite of the strawberry deliciousness and sighed. 

“Yep this stuff is the best!!” Connor laughed at me. 

“Ameautur cookie monster is the obvious best around here.” We always did this thing, we called them ice cream battles where we would argue and debate how much better the other one’s ice cream is. 

“But, chunks of cheesecake Connor? Come on!!”    
“But this one has chocolate chip cookies Dani!!” Connor whined right back at me and Evan just started laughing. 

“Alright you two knock it off, neither of you is better than the other flavor. Both flavors are equally really good.” Evan tried to break up the argument that we were having but in reality it only spurred us on. 

“Why don’t you try each of our’s and tell us which one’s better?” Connor offered and Evan shrugged. 

“Well if you’re offering that just means more ice cream for me.” We both laughed as Evan first tried Connor’s. 

“It’s really, really good Con. I love the cookies with the ice cream.” He smiled at Connor and tried mine next. 

“I’m sorry Connor, but seriously, this one is the clear winner.” He told Connor and Connor grabbed the ice cream from his boyfriend to try it himself. 

“Alright, fine, the little brat wins this round. This is killer ice cream.” I grinned up at them and went to finish off my ice cream. I ate my waffle beach as Connor and Evan made adorable googly eyes at each other. They finished their ice cream and Evan threw away his can. I checked the time it was nearly five fifty. 

“Sadly that brings this day to an end guys, I need to get home or my uncle will be worried.” Connor and Evan both frowned but went back to the car anyways. 

“I’m sorry guys, you’ll see each other tomorrow right?” I asked them and they both nodded smiling faintly as I put on some more Billy Joel. Oh how wrong I was at that point and time. I wished that I could turn back the clock and stop Connor but I couldn’t do anything about it. As I pulled up to my uncle’s house I allowed Connor to walk Evan home and he promised to text me later that night. I went inside the house only to find my uncle still working in his office.

“Uncle? I’m home from my first day of school.” I told him as I slipped off my flats and wandered into his office only to see that he was on a call so he shooed me out of the office while I put my hands up in surrender. It was now six thirty. I yawned suddenly realizing how taxing this day actually was. I slipped on some pajamas after a shower and still no text from Connor that had me worried. He was probably fine, but it still had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I went to bed at eight thirty that night. When I woke up with my alarm I checked my phone and there were six texts from Connor. 

_ Connor: Sorry for not texting sooner but something happened.  _

_ Connor: Larry found out about Evan. He shouted all these homophobic slurs at me. How eventually everyone would wish that I was dead even him and you.  _

_ Connor: It’s like sometimes I wonder why I even stay alive? Like who even fucking cares anymore?  _

_ Connor: I want my last words to be somewhat inspiring when I die you know? Lately I’ve been thinking that Queen would be a good choice. Like Bohemian Rhapsody that would be so epic.  _

_ Connor: Too late, my time has come. Sent shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody, I’ve gotta go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, ooh, I don’t want to die, sometimes wish I’d never been born at all. _

_ Connor: Actually no now that I think about that I don’t really like the sound of that.  _ _ I've done everything I can I've done my best and I and I've tried so hard to find a way out of this mess but I... But I'm so tired. I swear to you I've tried and sometimes I just want to give up. Just give up and stay here and live. But I know there's no point in denying that I will keep trying. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a quitter I will never give up, never give up, never give up, never give up, never give up. That sounds so much better. I love you, you’re the sister that I never had.  _ __ And then there was no other texts I sent one to him in return. 

_ Me: Connor no judgement but were you high last night? I mean I know that Larry’s an asshole but you could have just come over here. You know that my uncle loves you like his own son? There are a bunch of people that care about you, Larry is just one person. I know that no matter what you say his words do hurt you and that hurts me when you’re hurt. You’re my best friend Connor. If you had died and I never got to say goodbye to you, that would literally kill me. _ I sent the text and just layed there in bed until I got a text from somebody who almost never texts me anymore, Zoe Murphy, Connor’s younger sister. 

_ Zoe: Meet me in the front of building at school. It’s godawful and my parents and I need to talk to you. Now.  _ I got up and threw on my clothes, a dress with tie dye designs and a pair of lime green leggings and gold flats. My uncle was still asleep so I just left without saying goodbye to him and did my drive to school on an empty stomach. When I got there I saw the Murphy’s who all looked like something horrible had happened. I walked up to them only realizing that my hair was a mess. I smoothed down the curls to try to fix them. I raced to them and they looked up at me with sadness in their eyes, except for Larry, his held a slight joy in them. 

“We need to talk about Connor, it’s not going to be good. Follow us sweetheart.” Cynthia led all of us into the meeting room and I sat down with all three of them. 

“What’s going on here? What’s happening?” I asked them not really wanting to know. 

“Connor he… he killed himself sweetheart. He’s dead.” I was going into shock and instantly anger came out with me. 

“What. Happened.” I asked them mostly looking to Larry for answers because I knew that this was indirectly his fault. He was the one constantly throwing homophobic slurs at Connor. 

“He came home last night, with this love-sick smile on his face. For the first time in years he actually looked happy.” Cynthia started and I knew exactly why he would be happy. 

“He came to us yammering about some new friend that he had made. Evan Hansen do you know him?” Larry asked and I nodded. 

“I asked him, if they were dating, he said yes. I just felt this anger come over me, he got angry too. He ran up to his room and took pills and a razor with him from the bathroom.” Larry explained and I felt hot anger come over me. 

“This is all your fault!! It’s your fault that my best friend will never see Evan or me again!! Why couldn’t you just accept him?!” I yelled at him as everyone in the room turned to stare at me. 

“Did you even think Larry? Did you think about what you were doing to him?” I asked him once I calmed down and he shook his head. 

“I didn’t agree with him, it’s that simple.” He said with a shrug like it was nothing. Cynthia turned to me.    
“Honey, Danielle, we are so sorry for your loss. You knew him better than anyone. Which is why, we wanted you to speak at his funeral. He also left you this.” She handed me a wrapped package with probably his suicide note attached to it. 

“I’ll do it, not for you guys, but for Connor. I can’t believe that he’s really gone. He was my best friend bipolar or not.” 

“Bipolar?” Cynthia asked with surprise and I nodded. 

“He sort of went behind your backs and my uncle and I got him tested for bipolar depression. I had assumptions since I want to do psychology in the future but I can’t diagnosis my friends. I don’t do that to them. We all found a good doctor and last spring break we went to see a doctor who gave Connor the bipolar diagnosis.” I explained to them and they all gasped. 

“You mean to say that he went behind our backs to get help?” Larry growled angry and I stood my ground, he didn’t scare me whatsoever. 

“Yes Mr. Murphy, we all did. You weren’t getting him the help that he wanted. The help that he needed to have.” Larry stood up and I stood up too. 

“Why? He didn’t need help no Murphy ever needs help with anything?!” 

“Everyone needs help with something Mr. Murphy. It’s not weak to ask for help, and Connor was the very opposite of weak. He put up with you didn’t he? That alone made my best friend the strongest person in the entire world to me.” I got u with the final gift and walked outside of the room while crying. I sobbed as I walked to the theater wing. I found Mrs. Smith’s room easily and she was up in an instant. 

“Dani?! Honey, what’s going on? Where’s Connor?” I shook my head and tried to tell her what had happened to my best friend. 

“H-His f-father L-Larry f-found o-out t-that C-Connor g-got a-a boyfriend yesterday. I-It w-was the f-first t-time I-I had seen h-him s-so happy i-in a-a while. B-But L-Larry, h-he w-was mad. S-said m-mean t-things to Con. Con killed himself last night.” Mrs. Smith gasped and she started crying. 

“Oh my god… I never knew how bad his homelife really was. I mean I figured it was bad… but that’s just. Are they still in the building?” I nodded because I thought they were still in the building. 

“Alright, Dani you go into the theater just wait for me there okay?” She went off like a woman on a mission to avenge her son and I would have laughed except I didn’t think that I could. I went into the theater and decided to open the note hoping that would perhaps explain everything that Larry had left out. 

_ Dear Danielle,  _

_ If you’re getting this, it means that my family has officially driven me to my grave literally. I can tell you exactly what happened before it got me to this moment and when you’re pissed at me hopefully you’ll at least be a little bit less angry with me. So, I got home after dropping Evan off last night, he kissed me goodnight by the way it was amazing. I went into the kitchen with a love-sick grin on my face that Zoe noticed and she asked me who the guy was. She was for once, actually not being a bitch to me. I sat down with her and told her everything about Evan and somewhere during my praising of his character, Larry came down the stairs. He asked me what had me so excited, if I had met a girl that I would want to pursue and finally get over being queer. I told him, angrily of course, that it was a boy. He got angry. Really angry. Started punching me instead of just saying mean things to me. He hasn’t done that since I was fifteen, when I failed that class remember? He beat me to a pulp that day. When he had finished I crawled up to my room and that’s when I started to text you because as we both know, that’s my coping mechanism instead of getting high since I know that you don’t like it. But, you weren’t answering your phone when Larry came back for round two of the yelling session this time about you. He called you all these horrible things, things that I would rather not write down on paper. Once he had finished that, I knew that I had to get out of that house. I had to leave this world forever because nobody but two people would give a rats ass about me after I left. And those two people deserved better than me. So I knew that Cynthia had a bottle of pills in her bathroom that was separate from Larry’s. I went in there grabbed the razor that was in there too. I ran back to my room before anyone could stop me and now you’re up to speed.  _

_ If you grieve for me at all, please don’t make it long. Help people like us know that someone will always be there for them. Maybe a concert? Or a website? What would we call it? How about You Will Be Found. Com? Have Kleinman help you and of course Evan. Anyone that’s willing to help people like me. I don’t want anyone to ever feel the way that I do right now. Remember what we promised as kids? That we were best friends for life and best friends for real? I’m sorry that I backed out on that promise but Larry isn’t really giving me a choice here. Maybe by doing this, he’ll understand that what he did was wrong.  _

_ Don’t shut people out, if they’re willing to help you get better after I pass away. I want Leo to date you, whenever you’re ready. Tell your uncle, tell him that I’m sorry, for not outliving him. He told me that I better outlive him or he’ll find me in the afterlife and wring my scrawny little neck!!  _

_ This was supposed to be your birthday presents, I know your birthday is next week. But, seeing as I can’t make it until then HAPPY SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY DANI!! I hope that despite this, it’s a great birthday and that I’ll see you again someday up there.  _

_ Wishing you all the love in the entire world,  _

_ I’m so sorry,  _

_ Connor Murphy. _ I was full on ugly crying at this point. I missed him so much already as tragic as that sounded. He was my best friend. He promised that we would be best friends forever, that he would never leave me behind to pick up the pieces of my life like Jared had left me when he ditched our friendship. Maybe he’ll feel guilty I hope that he does. I opened the large package next that had the a smaller package on top of the package. It was front row tickets to Totem in December. 

“You fucking asshole, you can’t just pull stuff like this and expect me not to miss you.” I whispered to nothing as I opened the second much larger present. It was a set of beats headphones that were big and just perfect for me they were wireless as well and pink. I carefully opened the package that was one the bottom since there were three of them. The third was a coloring book of all our best moments in the past eleven years. I heard Mrs. Smith come back in a huff. 

“What happened?” I asked her solemnly and she sighed. 

“The father is such an asshole, I swear to god.” 

“Tell me something that I don’t know Mrs. Smith. Hey I actually have an idea?” She glanced up at me. 

“I want to make a concert in Connor’s honor. Would that be somehow possible? I want to people to get to know my Connor.” She started crying again and looked at me with round eyes as she nodded. 

“That sounds like a beautiful idea, are you going to be speaking for his funeral?” I nodded. 

“Yeah, they asked to. His own family didn’t even really know him that’s why they want me to do it. Because apparently I knew him the best. How sad is that?” I asked my teacher and she sat next to me with an arm around my shoulder.

“I can’t believe it… He seemed so happy yesterday.” She sighed as she started to cry again. 

“He was happy, happier than I had seen him in a little while. This summer was pretty hellish for him I think. I mean yeah we hung out everyday so he was happy then, but I don’t know about at home. He never really spoke about his home life.” I grabbed my notebook and started to write down song ideas. 

“You want to know the funny thing Mrs. Smith?” I asked her as I grabbed what he called our notebook. 

“What’s that sweetheart?” 

“He hated screamo rock music, I mean judging by his appearance you’d think that he’d love the genre but it always hurt his head. He held Kurt Cobain on a really high pedestal though.” I told her and she started to laugh. 

“I have to go and get ready for class in twenty minutes, this is going to be a hell day for me. Maybe I’ll just do group therapy today. See how everyone feels about this…” 

“Did the principal send an email yet?” She nodded. 

“I heard some hollers of joy from a lot of teachers if you can believe that trash.” I scowled at the fact that somebody would do that to my best friend’s memory. I watched as she walked into her classroom and I grabbed the notebook flipping to an open page. I thought about composing my own number maybe to open the show and I just wrote down what I felt. 

_ Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall and no one would hear? Well let that lonely feeling wash away maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay. ‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand you can reach, reach out your hand. And oh, someone will come running and I know they’ll take you home. Even if the dark comes crashing through when you need a friend to carry you. When you’re broken on the ground you will be found. So let the sun come streaming in ‘cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again. Lift your head and look around. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found.   _ I heard the ten minute bell ring and knew that if I didn’t leave now I probably never would so I dried my tears and snuck out the side door over to the math department. I took my seat at the back and heard a tiny voice ask. 

“W-Where’s Connor?” Oh my god Evan, this will destroy him. 

“You’ll find out Evan, I don’t want to talk about it.” I laid my head on the table like I usually did when I was having an overstimulation. 

“A-Are you o-okay?” Evan asked taking the seat next to me with a hand on my shoulder as I shook my head and the class bell rang. 

“Alright class, the principal just sent this email out. I’ll read it aloud to the rest of you. As of early this morning, Connor Murphy has been found dead, he committed suicide last night the authority’s think. We send our regards to those friends and family members who are grieving for him.” I heard gasps mostly but one odd voice stuck in the back of my mind. I didn’t know who it belonged to but it hurt me. 

“Who would want to be friends with him? He’s a psychopath, the only person who was ever around him was that meek girl god knows why.” That’s when I heard the voice of the person I least expected to hear from. 

“Hey!! Shut up!!” It was Jared that had spoken that time and he stood up from where he was sitting. 

“What’s it to you Kleinman? Were you friends with the druggie too?” The unknown voice asked and I tried to think of what his name was… It was Logan. Now I remember. 

“No, but I will not have you insulting Danielle or the dead for that matter. He meant alot to her and even if Connor was a bit of an ass, he speaked the truth.” Jared said before coming to the back row and gestured to Connor’s old chair. 

“Mind if I sit here?” I shook my head and for the first time took a look at Evan who was going into shock it looked like before he started crying. 

“Evan, it’s alright, I know. I miss him too. It’s funny he hasn’t even been gone for twenty four hours yet and I already have cried enough tears to last me an entire year.” I hugged the boy and he hugged me back. 

“Can you talk about a funny time or something funny that you did with him in front of the rest of the class Danielle? Maybe if people heard a story about the real Connor there minds would change.” Mrs. Baker asked me and I nodded going up to the front of the classroom. I stood there dried my tears and told one of my favorite recent memories with my old best friend. 

“So, this was just this past summer, Zoe, Cynthia and Larry had all gone upstate and purposefully left Connor at home not that he really cared. He texted me asking if I was free for that week and I was over in that huge house just me and him for an entire week. One of the things about Connor that I always really loved was his taste in music. It actually wasn’t screamo despite the whole dark, emo, gothic package. He loved Queen more than anything else in the entire world. Freddie Mercury was his biggest idol. Around the third day Con got the idea that he would use the family’s stereo system and slid around on the hardwood floor to his favorite Queen songs. We got to one of Connor’s all time favorites, a song called Stone Cold Crazy. So he’s doing air guitar with Brian May and whipping his long hair back and forth while mouthing on all the lyrics to the song. I have the entire thing on video if anyone’s interested?” They all nodded and I hooked my phone up to the computer and when the video showed up there was my best friend in his pajamas sliding along the floor while doing air guitar, hair going every single direction possible while mouthing the lyrics to one of our favorite songs. I saw Jared was probably laughing the hardest since he knew how close Connor and I were. Evan was also laughing at the silliness of his boyfriend if only for a day. Once the video finished I had a few questions. 

“Yes Monnie?” I picked on the sweetest girl first and she was drying her tears of laughter. I didn’t want to call on anyone else, she they were all jerks except for Monnie.

“Was there anything else about Connor that we never really thought to notice?” She asked and I nodded. 

“There were lots of things about him, but I’m thinking about doing a concert benefit in his honor so if he’s interested in that I’ll have more details later on the date.” I went back up to my chair where the boys were still laughing at the video. 

“Did you get up and he was just doing that?” Evan asked and I nodded. 

“The music actually is what woke me up, it was the song before that which was We Will Rock You by the time I got downstairs to yell at him, it had switched to Stone Cold Crazy.” We all started to laugh together and I turned to Jared.

“So is there a reason why you’re back here? Is it to drive me nuts?” I asked him jokingly and he chuckled. 

“No, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I mean what the hell happened?” I showed him and Evan the suicide note that he had left me. They both gasped as they scanned the pages. 

“Holy shit… I feel godawful right now.” Jared said in surprise as he looked at the final page. 

“Will you both help me? Help me keep Connor’s memory alive?” I asked them and Jared did probably the most surprising thing all day. He hugged me. 

“Of course I’ll help, I’d have to be even more of a heartless dick to not want to help you out.” I chuckled at the heartless dick comment since that’s truly what he was. I felt a ding from my phone and I checked it. 

_ Zoe: Are you okay? Hopefully my psycho brother at least left you something good. I can’t believe that he would just leave you behind like that. No matter what dad says to him, I mean they're just words... _

“Who texted?” Evan asked me and I groaned. 

“Zoe. She hasn’t even spoken to me since I was thirteen hardly and now she suddenly cares? Now that I’m all alone…” I started crying again and Evan wrapped an arm around me and I sighed while I responded to Zoe. 

_ Me: Can you not call him a psycho please? Because he wasn’t a psycho, not to me anyways or to Evan for that matter. Why do you even care? I mean not to be rude or anything but you basically ignored me for the last three years and now you suddenly decide that you want to be there for me?  _ I glanced up and saw that another student, Logan the same one that was insulting me earlier. 

“No more protector huh? Whatcha gonna do now bitch?!” He grabbed my arm as Mrs. Baker was not paying attention. I stepped on his foot and kneed him in the groin region. 

“Took karate lessons when me and Connor were eight.” I mentioned as he fell to the ground. I saw my phone light up again. 

“It’s Zoe again. God who knew she could not be nice to a person?” I got my phone after Jared announced that. 

_ Zoe: Well excuse me for trying to be a good person!! Why did you care about my brother? Answer me that.  _

_ Me: I cared about him because to me he was a good person. He never raised his voice with me. He protected me from people that were assholes that he got bad vibes from. He would always comfort me after a sensory overload and try his hardest to make me laugh after hard days of school being around people.  _

_ Zoe: Well sounds like we knew a different Connor Murphy.  _ I sighed as I put my phone back in my pocket. I heard the bell ring and smiled at Jared. 

“Thanks for agreeing to help me out, both of you. I know that you and Connor weren’t the biggest fans of each other. But it still means a lot to me that you’re willing to help Jared.” He pushed his glasses up his nose and shrugged. 

“It’s high time I stop being an asshole. I’ll meet you both in the library for lunch? We should probably start planning for this concert and the website.” Jared offered holding the door open for me and Evan who was looking crushed. 

“Yeah we’ll meet you there.” I nodded smiling at Jared as I grabbed Evan’s unbroken arm up to Mrs. Grisafi’s room and we entered only to see her crying. 

“Mrs. Grisafi?” I went up to her desk and she looked up at me. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here Dani, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it?” I nodded just sitting in my seat. I got out my notebook to a fresh page so that I could write out some song ideas that I had on my mind. 

_ Connor’s concert _  I titled it as the first few song came to me easily. 

_ Everybody loves you now _

_ The entertainer  _

_ Goodbye yellow brick road _

_ I write sins not tragedies _

_ Funeral for a friend _

_ Everybody has a dream _

_ Stand by me  _  I felt Evan gently tap my shoulder. 

“What are you doing?” He asked me as Mrs. Grisafi stood up gently making her way to the front of the classroom. 

“I’m working on songs for the concert benefit.” 

“Today, we’re all going to write about our relationships with Connor Murphy. I’m heartbroken, he was a different student to me. Most people saw him as a punk, druggie, psycho who would never go far in life. To me he was an extremely bright mind that would stop at nothing until it was entertained and thoroughly satisfied with his work. He once revised a paper close to ten times just to get one hundred percent on it. You know what that essay was about? His friendship with Danielle his best friend. I want you all to think about, if you knew him in your life, the real him, what would you say to him or what would your relationship be like.” Mrs. Grisafi went back to her desk to dry her eyes as I took out my piece of paper. 

_ I met Connor Murphy, my best friend on my first day at Greenwood elementary school. He sat next to me in class and helped me find my way around the school during my first week of school. The first time that I noticed I would be best friends with my Con for the rest of my life was when he helped me get to the hospital after I was bullied so badly that I had to go to one. He told me how for the rest of our days together as friends he would protect me.  _

_ I remember when he came out to me as gay. We were at my house in the seventh grade and I was just doing my homework. He got my attention and asked me “Do you ever think about boys?” I shook my head because for the longest time I thought that I was asexual. I remember I replied with “No Con, do you? Because if you’re gay, you know I don’t judge right?” He nodded his head at me but thought about it “My father does. He told me that he’d rather have me be dead than be gay.” I had never felt so protective to keep my best friend safe and pure for the rest of our lives together than in that moment.  _

_ During spring break a few years ago when Connor was thirteen, my uncle took me and Connor up to New York for a week since he needed to do some business up there. Connor had wanted to see a doctor  about him being bipolar since I had told him about it from my psychology class that year. My uncle and I helped him find a doctor and since Connor’s parents didn’t really care what he did as long as he didn’t kill anyone (which they did warn us by the way if he did not to bring him back home.) We drove to NYC in my uncle’s car and I fell asleep on Connor’s shoulder. He always knew how to calm me down after having a sensory overload. I had one on the way to New York that day strictly for the reason that my body decided to have one at that specific moment in time. When we got to New York we had lunch before Connor’s first doctor’s appointment that afternoon. I remember him being super anxious because he was afraid that we had come all the way to New York for no real reason. We had tickets to see a show that we were so excited to see, Hedwig AND The Angry Inch Once we reached the doctor’s office Connor went in with me and we did the sort of interview portion and they asked my relation to the patient. Connor said that I was his best friend but more like the sister that he never had. I sat there throughout the interview portion and at the end of the afternoon, we spent nearly four hours in there so that we could get him officially tested for bipolar, my uncle paid extra so that we could get everything done. They told us at the end of the night that he had bipolar disorder and gave him some medication so that he might feel better. He walked out of the office and once he got out on the streets he hollered with joy. He looked so happy in that moment that I wished he was always that happy.  _ I heard a tap with a pencil against my desk and looked up to see Mrs. Grisafi was looking at me. 

“Would you like to present your’s in front of the class? I want somebody who knew the real Connor.” I nodded my head and went to finish my conclusion before I presented it. 

_ Connor Murphy, a name that frightened everyone who dared hear it, except for me. I could never ever be afraid of Connor. He was always the thing that grounded me from the rest of the world. He was my light, my goofball, my crazyman that would just do whatever the hell he felt like for that day, my protector but most importantly, he was my best friend first and foremost.  _ I looked up at the time and saw that there was only about ten minutes left for class. 

“Did you still want me to present my paper Mrs. Grisafi?” I asked her and she nodded at me. I stood up in front of the rest of the class who watched me with big eyes. 

“Most of you know that my name is Danielle Smithstone. This is my story with my best friend in the entire universe Connor Murphy.” I presented the paper that I had written and most of them looked at me surprise when I had it finished. I heard the bell ring overhead and grabbed my things for art class. Evan was right on my heels. 

“D-Did he really he get himself to a doctor?” 

“Yes he did, it was behind his parents backs because he just felt that he needed to know why he felt so passionate some days and then the next day he found himself in the deepest of darkest depressions. While I do want to be a psychologist for the autism spectrum I can’t just give out random diagnosis to people.” I explained to him and he nodded at me. 

“What other trips did you two go on?” 

“We mostly went to New York since it’s only about four hour drive away. Sometimes like this summer we’ll get lucky and my uncle will take us to Disneyland for Connor’s seventeenth birthday in July.” I told him as we sat down yet again in the front row. 

“That sounds like a great time, I’m not going to say that I’m not jealous.” Something struck me as kind of a revelation. 

“Evan… Are you only talking to me because of what happened with Connor?” I shrunk into myself wishing for what felt like the millionth time that day that my best friend was still still around to hold me and comfort me through everything. 

“O-Of c-course n-not!! I-I like you for you.” I smiled at Evan and decided that I would pick up my phone just to call Connor’s voice mail. His voicemail always cracked me up. 

_ “You’ve reached Connor’s phone, I’m either out getting high off my ass or with my best friend. If you’re not Larry, Cynthia or Zoe, I’ll eventually get back to you.”  _ I started to cry again as I shut my phone off as Mr. Stinson began to start our class. 

“I’m not really in the teaching mood today guys, as I’m sure that most of your teachers aren’t. But, last period I had an idea. I’m sure that the name Connor Murphy at least means something to you kids right? Why not make something in his memory? So that’s today’s project. Make something that Connor would want and treasure, and please make it school appropriate.” Mr. Stinson addressed as I grabbed my giant sketchbook. I thought of all of Connor’s favorite songs and then it hit me. I began to sketch Connor’s favorite type of bird, a blackbird with the lyrics to the beatles all around it. 

“What are going to draw?” Evan asked me as he got out the sketchbook that I had gotten for him. 

“I’m going to make Connor’s favorite type of bird, which was a black bird. He loved the Beatles song by the same name so that’s what I’m going to make. A blackbird with the lyrics to blackbird.” I explained and Evan nodded. 

“I’m going to make some of that Cookie Monster ice cream that he had yesterday.” Evan told me as I began to draw the wings of the bird with as much grace as I could muster. I wasn’t the best at drawing animals. That was more Connor’s forte and then I heard a ding on my phone. 

_ Zoe: We’re having the funeral tomorrow, you better be there.  _

_ Me: You really think that I would miss my best friend of eleven year’s funeral?  _

_ Zoe: Well I don’t know, you two were always doing weird stuff…  _ I sighed and continued to work on my blackbird and coloring him in with Connor’s favorite black marker that he always loved using. I hummed the song as I drew the lyrics surrounding the blackbird. I heard another ding and if it was Zoe this time I swear to Christ that thing was getting thrown somewhere. 

_ Leo: I’m so so sorry that it took me so long to text you. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling. I wish that I knew him so much better.  _ I smiled at the fact that he strictly cared about me and how I was feeling. 

_ Me: I miss him so much already… Like how’s that even possible? I just spoke to him last night before he walked Evan home…  _

_ Leo: How’s Evan taking this news?  _

_ Me: Not too good, I’m really worried about him. I think he really liked Connor.  _ I put my phone away right as I finished my sketch of the lyrics surrounding the blackbird that sings in the dead of night. 

“How’s it going over here? I’m so so sorry for your loss Dani. Connor was amazing at art, he was a great best friend to you it looked like he loved you a lot.” One of the other students who I knew by the name of Mandy. 

“It’s not too good Mandy, I’m sorry but I’m not feeling like myself.” I admitted and I went back to my sketch until Mr. Stinson came over to us. 

“God this is the day from hell, I mean I knew that he was upset but I never would have guessed. Why didn’t you talk him out of it Dani?” He asked me as he knelt in front of my desk. 

“He texted me last night, I thought that was high when I woke up this morning.” I explained and he nodded when I showed it to him. 

“Are you going to his funeral tomorrow?” 

“His family wants me to speak. They hardly know Connor at all it’s a little sad. I mean he was my best friend and I miss him so much right now.” I closed in on myself and he looked at my artwork. 

“That’s really beautiful Dani!! Do you mind if I keep it?” I shook my head because I really didn’t mind. I heard the bell ring again and sighed. Next class was Smith’s aka probably group therapy session since she knew Connor the best. I walked down to the theater wing and sighed as I walked through the door nearly crying at all the memories that were threatening to fall from my eyelids. I got out my notebook to think about writing down more songs. 

_ Dust and Ashes  _

_ Since you came to this town _

_ Magical moment _

_ Under pressure _

_ If I had my time again _

_ King of New York  _

_ You will be found  _

_ This is me _

_ Beautiful _

_ Music Of The Night  _

_ Everlasting  _

_ The Schmuel Song _

_ Nobody needs to know _

_ Underground _

_ As the world falls down _ I was interrupted by Leo banging on the table slightly to get my attention. 

“Hi Leo…” I told him avoiding his eyes as tears yet again pooled in my eyelids. He made like lighting grabbing me into a hug without a second thought as the bell rang throughout the room and Mrs. Smith called everyone to order. 

“Alright class, let’s circle up. Today’s going to be slightly unconventional because to be honest with you and pardon my language if you have an issue with it, but my day has been really shitty. That’s the only word to describe it. Today’s going to be more or less group therapy to get everything on the table. Most of you didn’t know the Connor Murphy that me and Danielle did, am I right?” She addressed the class as everyone sat around here nodding. 

“Let’s start with those of you who didn’t know Connor that well. After what you saw yesterday, what would you say to him today?” She asked our group and Emily raised her hand. 

“I would tell him, that everyone feels pain. That taking your own life is never the way out. My uncle did that route and it never did him or any of my family members any better. I mean, look at Dani today vs yesterday. She was so happy yesterday just being with her best friend and it was amazing to see the rumored and feared Connor Murphy actually smile and laugh at things.” 

“I would tell him, that I wish everyone saw that side of him. And I would ask him what really happened with the printer that day.” Another student named Bobby asked 

A lot of people nodded  like they somehow understood. 

“That makes a lot of sense, judging from yesterday, he’d probably do just about anything for you. I have a guy friend that’s exactly like that.” Annie mentioned and I nodded. There were only about six other students including me and Leo. 

“I never really listen to rumors though the secretary did warn me against Connor Murphy. Said that he was bad news. But, then I met him and I talked to him and he was actually super nice. It just depended on who you were I think.” Leo mentioned and I smiled. 

“Well most people never got to see my version of Connor. My Connor did wacky quirky things, like pick me up out of the goddamn nowhere like you saw yesterday. He also would do things like slid around his wood floors in his huge as hell mansion and lipsing to Stone Cold Crazy by Queen at eight am on a Saturday morning in the middle of summer. He yelled ‘Fuck yeah!!!’ from the top of Mission Breakout down in California Adventure when he made sure that everyone was of language age. He started arguments about which A La Mode ice cream tasted better.” I listed off all of these things that he used to do for me and Leo put his arm around my shoulders. 

“He would want you to move on, maybe find a new better best friend?” The goth girl Natalia muttered. 

“Connor was my best friend, he was the perfect balance to my shyness. He taught me that the words that people say to you or about you, they don’t matter even though that’s what broke him in the end.” I bit back at the girl and everyone’s eyes widened at the sound of me defending my argument since they had never really seen me do that.    
“What about you Mrs. Smith, what was your relationship with Connor like?” Emily asked her and Mrs. Smith smiled. 

“I met Connor Murphy on the first day of his freshman year, him and Danielle had been in my Dancing In Musical Theater class that I used to teach. I was weary of him at first because I thought that he was just another druggie that had a foul mouth. But, one day, when Dani had a sensory overload, he protected everyone from staring ather constantly. That’s when my opinion on him had changed. I waited for a day when I could officially bond with Connor but one day Dani had the flu and stayed at home. He looked miserable without her around. It was like they were each other’s ray of sunshine. I went and talked to him and tried to learn more about him. Since that day Connor Murphy was my favorite male dancer student. He was always a different person in here, maybe that’s because you were around him Dani but he was so happy to be here with you.” Mrs. Smith told the class and I nodded. 

“He was sort of like my ray of sunshine if that makes any sense. Even though he had bipolar disorder when he would not come for nearly a week, I would be there with him. I made it kind of my job to make him feel better when his depression was getting to him. The way that Connor’s bipolar disorder worked was he would have weeks, sometimes even months where he would feel amazingly great. But, he would always have one or two weeks every couple of months where he would lash out at anyone that wasn’t me. I loved seeing him happy, laughing it made me feel proud that he was happy in that moment since those moments were getting to be so rare.” I explained to them and they all had this realization dawn in the back of their minds. 

“What’s bipolar?” Bobby asked and I sighed at them. Not that they were annoying, it’s just hard to explain these types of things since my best friend is gone. 

“Bipolar  also known as manic depressive  illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. That’s the textbook definition that comes to my mind. Connor or somebody that actually has it might have explained it better. A lot of famous people in history are written for having bipolar depression. People like Kurt Cobain who was the lead singer in Nirvana who was one of Connor’s idol's, Carrie Fisher one of my biggest idols who was Princess Leia in the star wars movies, Demi Lovato.” I told them and they all looked at me in amazement. 

“You sure know a lot about that disease.” Annie complimented me and I shrugged. 

“Well I want to be a psychologist for people on the Autism spectrum like myself so I do a lot of research. Plus Connor had me do a lot of research with him.” I told them and Emily’s hand went up again. 

“Well, what other things did you guys do together? Like when he had a depressive episode for a week what would you do?” 

“When his depressive episodes were going on, I’d get all of his family members out of the house for one thing. They were usually gone during the summer when they happened for nearly a month.  Would stalk up all my Disney movies and a couple of just his favorite movies that made him laugh or feel better. Depending on when the episode happened, there would be hot chocolate involved or ice cream from A La Mode. It just kind of depended on what season that it was. Sometimes during his episodes he just needed to be held by someone who cared about him to ground him. Usually that was me, since his family didn’t really do anything to get him help. He would love when I would just put on a Robin Williams movie to simply make him laugh with it’s quirky sense of humor. His favorite was either Mrs. Doubtfire, Birdcage or Good Morning Vietnam. I hated him getting high during his depression episodes so I would be there because I would want to look after him since nobody else wanted to. Not that they knew why it happened anyways.” I answered her right as the bell rang. I grabbed my bag and Leo followed me.    
“Wait for me!!” Leo bolted to catch up to me on the way to the library. 

“I’m not giving up. Just because Connor’s gone doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be happy either. I want to help you get better. Not that I’m saying you’re sick. It’s just I haven’t seen you smile hardly all morning and I’m just worried. Please don’t shut me out just because you’re grieving.” I started to cry again and Leo happily wrapped his arms around me and kissed my tears away. He rubbed my back gently and whispered praise into my ear much like Connor used to. 

“You’re doing great, I’m right here, I’m not leaving you behind so don’t even worry about me doing so.” He carefully let me go and I couldn’t hold back without even thinking I kissed him. He stood there shocked at first before he began to gently kiss me back. It felt like the most amazing thing, much how Connor was describing kissing Evan. You don’t really feel electric shocks or fireworks, you feel like you could stay in this moment forever. He pulled back to look at my eyes which were red rimmed and leaned his forehead against mine.  

“Why did you do that?” 

“Because I couldn’t help myself or hold myself back anymore there’s no reason to.” I felt him hold my hand but then pull back. 

“I don’t want to suddenly rush this, I want to meet your uncle, meet any other friends that you have, prove that I’m in this for the long haul.” He explained to me and I smiled at him. 

“Well there was really only Connor, but you’re about to meet the one other friend that I used to have that’s coming around. We’re making a website, in Connor’s memory. I’m planning a concert and my old friend Jared Kleinman is making the website for our use.” I led him up to the library where Jared, Evan and two other people Zoe and Alana were sitting and waiting for us. I sighed and knew that this was going to get ugly if Zoe was here. 

“What’s wrong?” Leo whispered to me as I saw them but hadn’t gone into the library yet. 

“That’s Zoe, she’s Connor’s younger sister. Hates my rotten guts for sticking by Connor and not lashing out at him like she did.” I whispered back before opening the door. Jared waved us over and I sat at the opposite table. Until I saw Evan’s face tears struck and scared. I moved to the other table with Leo if only to comfort my friend. 

“Hi, I’m Leo Martin, I’m a new student here just started yesterday. I had my musical theater class with Connor and Danielle, he was a really great friend.” I heard Zoe scuff at him and roll her eyes. 

“He was only nice to you if you did something in return to him.” She said with a glare in my direction as I got out my notebook just wanting this day to be over. 

“You know I don’t believe that. While I only knew him for a day, I know that he loved Danielle like a sister.” 

“I’m his real sister!! And yet he lashed out at me and treated me like the scum underneath his boot most times when he was at home!!” Zoe yelled despite where we were. 

“It’s called bipolar depression.” I muttered as I opened the page to the song list that I was working on. 

“I don’t even know what that is.” I got out my phone to educate this woman before I lost my cool. I searched it and showed her my phone. Jared was working like a crazed madman on his laptop and Alana was trying to comfort Zoe with me comforting Evan and Leo holding my hand.  I saw Zoe’s eyes widen as she read through a lot of the notes that me and Connor took together before we went to the doctor’s appointment, she handed me back my phone. 

“Thanks, I feel like I understand my brother a little bit better.” She told me without any malice in her tone.    
“I’m sorry by the way, me and my brother had our massive issues but I understand why you would care so much about him. Sometimes he was a lot of fun to be around. Usually when mom and dad were gone.”  

“What sort of things did you guys do?” 

“Well we would sometimes go on long car rides after we got ice cream at A La Mode at least once a month we would try to have sibling bonding days where we would do each other’s nails and I would braid his hair while we listened to music. What sort of things did he do with you?” Zoe listed off the nicer version of Connor that she knew. 

“All sorts of things, sometimes he would just take me to the abandoned apple orchard after school with snacks and we would just sit and talk about life and draw things together. He loved rolling down the windows of my car and having sing a longs at the tops of our lungs, all the other cars would look at us like we were mental sure but it was amazing. We had one yesterday, he put on one of my favorite Billy Joel songs, it’s a love song called Tell Her About It and me him and Evan all sang it while the other cars just stared at us. We would go to New York at least three times a year for my uncle’s work and while he went into the office we would go and see show’s wander around or just be goofballs around the city.” I listed off and I heard Jared let out this whoop of joy. 

“Come check this out bitches!! It’s almost all done. We just need a title for the website and I could get it launched.” I told him about Connor’s idea. 

“You will be found dot com.” I had everyone looking at me. 

“How’d you think of something that good that quickly?” Zoe asked me genuinely curious. I showed her the letter that he had left for me and her eyes widened.

“He left you this… he didn’t leave us anything.”    
“I’m sorry Zoe, I hope that you’re not mad at me. I don’t know really what he was thinking. I wish I did then I could explain it to you better. I’m only a psychologist in training.” I tried to explain and she looked at me with kind eyes. 

“I’m at least glad that he wasn’t as heartless with everyone. It’s really helped me understand him a little bit better. What else did he leave for you?” I took out the other things and handed them to her. 

“Totem? What’s that?” 

“Do you remember seeing Quidam a few years ago or did your parents only take Connor?” 

“Oh, it’s another Cirque show?” I nodded excitedly. 

“Yeah this will be my first one, I thought that he forgot about them. That’s what he told me anyways. I believed him, even though he had never backed out on a promise before. Well there was this one time…” 

“What happened?” Zoe asked and I started crying. 

“It was when I was in hospital when I was in first grade, you were probably too little to remember. It had been the first year that Connor and I were best friends. I had gotten bullied and picked on for calling myself different and proud of it. Connor found me later on that day and he got me to a hospital. When I woke up he promised that we would be friends for life and friends for real until we were old and gray in the hair.” I was probably crying ugly for the fifth time that day. I was surprised when it was Zoe who hugged me after taking my hand in hers. 

“I’m so so sorry, I’ve been acting really rude today. It’s just, I can’t believe my family sometimes. Today is one of those times. They want to keep him being bipolar a secret. Are you going to let them get away with that?” I shook my head as Zoe let go from the hug and I sighed. I heard the bell ring for fifth period. I bid everyone goodbye and took some deep breaths before going to the gym and just sitting there and not speaking for an entire hour until the class had ended and I got into my car with no music. I just wanted to go home. I opened the door and sank in front of the door. 

“Princess? Oh my god!!” My uncle raced to me and gave me a big hug. I just sank into the embrace and hugged him back. 

“Are you okay? The principal sent out an email, I can’t believe it. What the hell happened?” I handed him the letter and he read everything over. 

“Oh my god… I hate Larry Murphy so much right now.” 

“Yeah j-join t-the club.” I stated through my tears as he came back with a snack. 

“Have you eaten all day?” I shook my head and he frowned. 

“Honey I thought that we talked about this. No matter how bad things get, you always need to eat.” 

“I thought that if I did, it would just come back up later on that day.” I sighed as I took the glass of apple juice first. 

“Sweetheart, I’m so so sorry. God I feel like this was the day from hell don’t you?” I nodded eating the crackers, cheese and fruit. 

“Yeah pretty much, they’re having his funeral tomorrow. They want to me speak on Connor’s honor. Since I knew him the best.” I told him and he smiled faintly at me. 

“I’m so proud of you sweetheart, I didn’t see you text me back earlier on in the day so I’m so proud of you for making it through the day.” 

“I never got any texts from you, I got some from Leo, mostly Zoe harping on me though.” I went into the kitchen suddenly starving because of my lack of nutrition all day. I heard a ding on my phone and lifted it from my pocket to see a text from Zoe. 

_ Zoe: We’re having the funeral at noon tomorrow and then the “after party” at around three. Not sure how much of a party that’s going to be though. True they are actually getting pizza, garlic knots and cookie monster ice cream. All of Connor’s favorites. Surprisingly they’re getting our favorite strawberry cheesecake as well.    _  I started to laugh at her for the sheer factor that whether she liked it or not she was definitely Connor’s sister. 

_ Me: Alright sounds good. Honestly that after comment made me laugh, you’re definitely related to Connor whether you like it or not.  _

_ Zoe: He did make a lot of comments like that didn’t he?  _

_ Me: Oh all the time, it used to crack me up when he was sarcastic. That’s probably going to be one of the things I miss most about him.  _

_ Zoe: You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to, I’d love to see my dad try and fail to do his interpretation of who he actually was.  _

_ Me: Tempting it would probably sound something like this ‘Connor was a punk kid who was living in sin who did us all a favor.’ God I know he’s your dad and everything but right now me and my uncle are starting a Larry hate club.  _

_ Zoe: HAHA!! I’ll join it, hell I’ll be the president. You need a Murphy to be present at these meetings because otherwise we don’t have proper data.  _

_ Me: As long as we share the hatred it doesn’t really matter. In my mind Connor would probably be the president of that club.  _ I grabbed some more apple juice since I hadn’t forgotten my water that morning. 

“Who are you texting that has you laughing so hard? You only really laugh that hard when you texted Connor.” My uncle asked following me up to my room. 

“Zoe actually, I think we might be friends again. I don’t really know.” 

“I think that would be really good of you two. He would have wanted you to have another friend. Now, who’s this Leo?” He sat down on my bed and grabbed his favorite stuffed animal that I had on display, a small black bear that Connor got for me. I always loved it because even after the three years that I’ve had it, it still smells like Connor and it calms me down.

“He’s a new student at my school, he just started yesterday. I really really like him uncle. He’s amazing. He’s so understanding, cute, funny and caring about how I’m feeling. He wants to meet you, I think he’ll be there tomorrow. I’ll text him. I have to text Jared too.” I told my uncle and he looked surprised. 

“You have a boy who wants to meet you before dating you?  And you’re talking to Jared Kleinman?Is this the apocalypse?” I laughed at my uncle and lightly shoved him.

“I was surprised by Leo wanting to meet you before we started dating too. But, I think he’s a really good guy uncle. He’s amazing. The reason why I’m talking to Jared again was because he was there for me today. One of the dickheads in my class was mouthing off about my relationship with Connor and Jared rushed to my defence surprisingly. I needed his help with that website that Connor mentioned. Last time I talked to him he was almost done with the website. I forgot how good that kid was with a computer. I missed having him around even though him and Connor didn’t ever really get along.” I told my uncle and he nodded before getting up. 

“I’m making dinner, pretzels sound good? With hotdogs inside of them?” I nodded my head enthusiastically.  I went to grab my laptop to make a full list to send down to Zoe for all the songs that I wanted to use. I heard a ding from my phone and I reached to grab my phone. 

_ The Kleinster: Websites all up!! Are you speaking at his funeral tomorrow?  _

_ Me: Okay I forgot that you had added your name as The Kleinster on my phone and I just had a really good laugh about that. Yes I am going to be speaking on behalf of Connor. They asked me this morning. You’re amazing Jared thanks a bunch!! I still have to write down all the song ideas and send them down to Zoe. _

_ The Kleinster: I didn’t do that? Who on earth… Fucking Murphy!! I’ll be there by the way, you’re not alone here.  _

_ Me: OH MY GOD!! I’m howling with laughter. I should have known it would have been Connor, he changed your contact. Thank you Jared I’ll probably need everybody on my side that I can right now. _

“What’s so funny now? More Zoe?” My uncle asked coming back having heard my laughter. I showed him my texts to Jared and he started laughing too hard as well. 

“That sounds just like Connor to do that!!” I dried my tears that were festering in my eyes from laughing too hard as my uncle went back downstairs as I heard another ding from my phone that I saw on my laptop. 

_ Zoe: By the way I don’t think my parents will care what you wear since you’re not a member of the family. Does that Nirvana t-shirt still fit you?  _

_ Me: I was going to ask if I had to wear a dress or not. It most definitely does I have white leggings, black skirt and actually a pair of combat boots that he got me as a gag gift when we were in middle school. He said that we could be the gothic twins. I wear them mostly during the wintertime.  _

_ Zoe: Perfect!! I’m wearing a Panic! At The Disco t-shirt and black ripped jeans because screw my parents!!  _ I chuckled as I opened a new notes section and began to work on a full list of songs that I would play for his concert benefit. 

_ Dust and Ashes  Great Comet Of 1812 _

_ Since you came to this town God Bless You Mr. Rosewater _

_ Magical moment God Bless You Mr. Rosewater _

_ Under pressure Queen ft. David Bowie _

_ If I had my time again Groundhog Day _

_ King of New York  Newsies _

_ You will be found  My own song (I’ll text you the lyrics that will probably stay there.) _

_ This is me Greatest Showman _

_ Music Of The Night Phantom Of The Opera _

_ Everlasting Tuck Everlasting _

_ The Schmuel Song The Last Five Years _

_ As the world falls down _

_ Everybody loves you now Billy Joel _

_ The entertainer  Billy Joel _

_ Goodbye yellow brick road Elton John _

_ I write sins not tragedies Panic! At The Disco _

_ Funeral for a friend Elton John _

_ Everybody has a dream Billy Joel _

_ Stand by me Ben. E. King  _

_ Hope Groundhog Day (this one we could debate if you don’t find it appropriate. Connor loved this song. He found it kind of funny.)  _

_ Me and the sky Come From Away _

_ Candle in the wind Elton John  _

_ Santa Fe Newsies _

_ Feed The Birds Mary Poppins (I was thinking if you’re parents wanted me to play something tomorrow that this would be my choice. This was Connor’s  favorite Disney movie. We spent many of his weeks of depression watching this movie.) _ I copied the link and sent it to Zoe. A few minutes later I got her response. 

_ Zoe: I didn’t know he loved half of these songs!! I approve of just about everything here. I’ll have to listen to Hope and get back to you. By the way my parents, they support everything that you’re doing. I think that Connor would be really proud of you.  _

_ Me: You know what? Me too.  _ I just put on my earbuds to jam out before Zoe got back to me forty minutes later with her status on Hope. 

_ Zoe: Please keep Hope, I think it’s actually really funny. I don’t know what my parents will think but at this point I think I’m just done. I’m on Connor’s side of the argument here. Never thought that I would say that to anyone. Did he love any other songs?  _

_ Me: He really loved an older song called Lake Shore Drive. It’s pretty and I love it, but I figured that it would be too close to home for me right now.  _

_ Zoe: That makes sense. To be honest I thought most of his music choices would be screamo.  _

_ Me: The farthest screamo that he went was actually Nirvana and that was when he was thirteen the year that he got diagnosed with bipolar.  _ I heard my uncle knock on my door again. 

“Dinner’s ready. You hungry?” I nodded my head enthusiastically and ran down stairs to be greeted by the  smell of hot dog pretzels one of my favorite meals. I grabbed two of them since they were medium sized but I hadn’t eaten all day and found strawberry lemonade and strawberries. I took a handful of the berries and some carrots as well and some lemonade. I sat down next to my uncle at the dining room table. 

“So you’re day yesterday was good? I’m sorry that meeting yesterday was insane.” I shook my head. 

“My day yesterday was fantastic, I had so much fun with Connor. We went to A La Mode after school and got ice cream with his new boyfriend Evan.” I told him and his eyes widened. 

“He talked to him? That’s amazing, I would have been so proud of him.” 

“Evan is adorable, he’s super shy and mostly stutters unless he’s comfortable around you like he was with me and Connor. You’ll maybe meet him tomorrow. I don’t know, he was pretty much a wreck today. I think he really liked Connor a lot more than we both saw in the one day that they were together.” I took a bite of my hot dog pretzel and sighed as the flavors hit my tongue. 

“I thought about ordering pizza, but then I remembered that was Connor’s favorite food and it will probably be served tomorrow.” I frowned and sighed. 

“Yeah you were right it will be. Pizza, garlic knots, ice cream I’d imagine shirley temples the whole shebang.” I told him and he put his hand on my shoulder. 

“I know that it hurts right now, and it probably won’t get better anytime soon. I just want you to know that I will always love you no matter what princess. You’re my little girl in everything but a birth certificate. I know that Connor loved you too, he was the brother that you never had and he kept you grounded. But, you need to be strong. Be supportive of Zoe, comfort her because while I know that they weren’t close, they’re still family.” 

“That’s what I’m thinking too. Zoe’s really trying to understand my Connor or the best friend that I had. She’s definitely getting there but sometimes I still wonder.” He took my hand as I finished off my first pretzel and started on the second one. 

“You just have to be strong, just be yourself and tell his story. Which, you’re already doing. Did he leave you anything else?” 

“Yeah, he got us tickets to Totem in December, he got me a new pair of beats headphones and a really beautiful coloring book. Plus Zoe mentioned that he got me a giant black teddie bear that she couldn’t take to school and she’ll give him to me tomorrow.” I told him and he laughed at me. 

“That boy, he always got you the best birthday presents.” 

“Well he had the money for it so he flaunted it and used to buy me the best birthday presents.” I yawned as I finished my dinner. 

“Why don’t you just go right to bed? It’s been a long day for you I think you’ll feel better with some sleep.” I nodded seeing as it was almost nine o’clock by the time I actually fell asleep. I woke up at around ten thirty. I instantly kicked my feet up off the bed and bolted towards the shower. 

“Morning sleepy head!! What time do you need to get to the church?” I heard my uncle call after me and sighed again. 

“Twelve, I have to shower first.” I told him before going into my bathroom and doing my normal showering routine. I came out of there and ran into my room where my clothes were already laid out. I put on the Nirvana t-shirt and smiled at the memory. All of these clothes were things that he got me when we went to concerts. Which was rare but it still happened. I put on the rest of my garments including the laced up black boots and smiled at myself in the mirror as I brushed out my bright red hair. I went out of the room to my uncle’s office down the hallway from my room. 

“I somehow knew that you were going to wear that, it still looks adorable on you. Maybe because it’s the total opposite of your personality but I think that it made you and Connor look far more alike.” I laughed at my uncle as he shut down his laptop and led the way to the downstairs area for a small breakfast since we only had about fifteen minutes. We eat our toast and english muffin and drove to the church in almost creepy silence but I just wasn’t in the mood for talking. I saw Jared, Leo, Evan and Zoe all waiting for me outside. 

“Her she is!!” Jared called out as I exited the car and they rushed over to me. 

“Hi guys, umm good morning.” I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear as I started to twiddle my fingers and it was like they all knew how anxious I really was deep down because suddenly I was in a big group hug with everyone. 

“It’s going to be okay Dani, you’re going to be fine.” Leo comforted me and I smiled briefly at him. 

“Alright let’s get this over with right?” Evan said as he dried his tears that were festering in his eyes. We all walked into the church house while my uncle found a place to park his car. When I saw the casket I knew this was going to be a bad day. I walked up to the casket and started crying. 

“What were you thinking you stupid boy? Did you even think?” I muttered as I put my hand on his casket. 

“Friend of dead?” I nodded my head at the pastor. 

“Yeah he was my best friend since I was six years old.” I found my friends and sat in the row before my head was laid in my hands and I started crying like hysterically crying. I felt Leo wrap his arms around me and made shushing noises as my uncle went and sat with the Murphy parents and put on a fake condolence when he spoke to Larry. I started chuckling at the fact of my uncle giving Larry any sympathy. 

“What’s so funny?” Jared asked my in whispered tone as I smiled faintly at him. 

“That’s Larry Murphy, he was Connor’s asshole of a father. Pretty much the reason why he’s in that casket right now.” I whispered back as the ceremony started. I tuned most of it out because to be honest, this guy didn’t know a thing about my best friend at all to be up there and giving a speech about living in a better place now. I should know that Connor never believed in that trash, he wasn’t a religious person. True he believed that there was a good place far from here where all his favorite famous people who had passed away resided but I knew that other than that he didn’t believe in heaven or hell. I sat there until we all had to go outside to bury the body. I watched as Larry and my uncle carried Connor’s body into the ground and then buried him there. I started crying but Leo and Jared hugged me until I wasn’t crying anymore. I could tell that whether or not Jared liked Connor was not the point. He was here because he knew that I would be upset. 

“Thanks for coming everyone. We’ll be continuing the ceremony at our family’s house. We’ll have a speech from Connor’s best friend, the girl that knew him the best arguably, there will be food as well.” Larry instructed and I fake smiled at him as I left the church with my friends behind me. I saw Zoe try to catch up with us but get dragged the other direction by Larry. We walked to the Murphy house since it’s not that far from the church that they used. When I walked through the door I saw all these pictures of Connor. I was in almost all of them since as he got older, I was the only person to really make him smile. I took a lot of these as well. There was one with him tap dancing on top of table running through King Of New York the year that he was Racetrack in our freshman year dance class when we went to state and did the Broadway production of Newsies that year. 

“He was really good in that, so were you.” I jumped slightly at the sound of Zoe’s voice startling me since everyone else had moved into the house and to the food that was already there. 

“Thanks Zoe, I really love this one. He… Honestly right now if I were to see him, I would hug him and then punch him in the face.” She laughed at me and led me over to the food. I saw the cookie monster ice cream was in little pint sizes along with my strawberry cheesecake flavor. 

“We used to have ice cream battles, remember Zoe? He would defend cookie monster to the death and so would I with my strawberry cheesecake.” 

“And I would say guys what about chocolate brownie?” We both started to laugh at each other for the old memories. 

“Sweetie? You can give your speech whenever you're up to it.” Cynthia interrupted my conversation with Zoe and I shuddered. 

“Let’s do it now.” I followed her to the room with the most pictures, the music room. There was a grand piano where Zoe mouthed ‘You’re welcome’ from where she was sitting with Alana, Jared, Evan, and Leo.

“My name is Danielle Smithstone and Connor Murphy was my best friend in the entire world. I met him when it was my first day of the first grade, I moved here with my uncle after my parents passed away. He was my next door desk neighbor for that entire year. That first day, he made himself my partner for the rest of that entire year. We could spend recess just laughing at everything or nothing at all in particular. I got bullied really bad my first year of schooling in this town. It got so bad that I was sent to the hospital. Connor found me after I was beaten to a pulp and found his parents who took me to the hospital. When I woke up in the hospital Connor was right there at my bedside. He was crying. He asked me why I didn’t tell him sooner that I was getting bullied. He said that it hurt him that I was getting hurt and not accepting the help that I needed. He told me to promise him one thing, that we would be best friends for life and best friends for real. That was the one promise that he ever broke with me.  I’m sure that most of you have heard of the infamous printer story? He did it to defend me, it was a last minute decision. Mrs. Cronister didn’t give him much of a choice. She was our bitchy second grade teacher who would constantly bully me. One day Connor just felt that he needed to defend me, so he threw the first thing that he saw. A printer.  When he turned thirteen, he wanted to find out why he would be so happy some days, and harsh, angry, and like killing himself some other days. I want to be a psychologist when I get older so I know about a lot of mental disorders, it sounded a lot like one of the most harmful to the person, bipolar depression. That summer, he wanted to take action. He told me that he wanted to stop hurting those around him. So my uncle and I we helped him find a doctor. When we went and got him test and he came out with bipolar disorder he hollered with joy. Now that he’s gone, I think that’s the Connor that I’ll miss the most. The happy one the one that he was always around me because he knew that he could never hurt me. I miss him… So much right now. I keep expecting him to just show up and start apologizing to me for him scaring me half to death. I would hug him tightly and then yell at him for leaving me here all alone. I miss the Connor that would slid around floors when the rest of his family was on vacation, he did it to Stone Cold Crazy by Queen by the way it was amazing. I miss the Connor that could tap dance to the entirety of King Of New York from the Broadway production of Newsies. I miss my Connor.” The entire audience looked at me in shock and all had tears in their eyes. Even Larry did. Heartless Larry Murphy. 

“Connor loved my piano playing, which is why I’m comprising a concert for him at my high school’s theater one of his favorite places. I’m going to play one of the songs that I didn’t put on the concert. I didn’t put it on there because there were other Billy Joel songs that he loved more than this one. Does anyone in here know to play the harmonica to Piano Man?” I asked and surprisingly my uncle raised his hand. 

“Alright uncle, you’re the man!!” I told him and he laughed coming up to sit next to me on the piano. 

“That was really beautiful honey.” He told me before I started to play the song that came to me like a second nature now. 

_ “It’s nine o’clock on a saturday the regular crowd shuffles in. There’s an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin. He says ‘son can you play me a memory I’m not really sure how it goes. But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man’s clothes. La, la, la, didi da, la di da da dum… Sing us a song you’re the piano man sing us a song tonight. Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you’ve got us feeling alright. Now John at the bar is a friend of mine he gets me my drinks for free. And he’s quick with a joke or a light of your smoke but there’s some place that he’d rather be. He said ‘Bill I believe this is killing me’ as the smile ran away from his face. ‘Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star if I could get out of this place.’ La, la, di di da, la di da da dum. Now Paul is a real estate novelist who never had time for a wife. And he’s talking with Davy, who’s  still in the navy, and probably will be for life. And the waitress is practicing politics as a businessman slowly gets stoned. Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness but it’s better than drinking alone. Sing us a song you’re the piano man sing us a song tonight. Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you’ve got us feeling alright. It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday and the manager gives me a smile. ‘Cause he knows that it’s me that they’re coming to see to forget about life for a while. And the piano it smells like a carnival and the microphone smells like a beer. And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar and say man what are you doing here? La, la, di di da, la di da da dum. Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us a song tonight. Well we’re all in the mood for a melody and you got us feeling alright…”    _ I finished the song and everyone cheered for me. I had slight tears in my eyes that I quickly wiped away before anyone had seen them. 

“That was really beautiful. You have a lot of talent for someone who wants to be shrink.” Cynthia complimented and I shrugged. 

“I want to help people who get stuck in the in-between like I did. The transition from learning that you have Autism or Asperger's to accepting it is a long process.” I mentioned as my friends all stood around me except for Zoe who I saw a few minutes later carrying this giant bear that was almost up to my waist. 

“Oh my god, what was he thinking.” She muttered as she dropped the plushie on the ground. 

“I wish I could tell you, he was always doing things like this. Spending more money on me than was probably necessary.” I picked up the bear and hugged it. It was insanely soft and huggable. Two things that I look for in a plushie. I put him down on the ground. I just mingled with people who were constantly telling me how sorry that they were and eventually I got sick and tired of it and went to Connor’s favorite place in the house. Technically it was the top of the house, but he still considered it a part of the house. He would go up here to think, sometimes if he had weed he’d smoke it, but he had actually been clean for almost a year. We had a system, whenever he felt like smoking he would text me instead of doing it. Usually if it was a decent hour I would respond back but sometimes he would just come to my window. Mostly though if I heard my phone going off in the middle of the night, I would wake up and talk him through whatever issue that he was having at the time. I climbed the stairs making sure that nobody saw me holding my plushie while I climbed up the stairs to the rooftop. I just took some deep breaths of outside air that wasn’t too hot but not too cold either. I just sat up there missing Connor more than anything at that moment. I wished that I could turn back time. Find the TARDIS go back to yesterday and stop my best friend from taking his own life. I knew that it would make the future different but at that moment I couldn’t find it in myself to really care about anything. I was just… Numb. I couldn’t feel anything I just felt grief. I know that was a normal feeling when somebody close to you dies but it still didn’t feel quite right. I wanted him back. I needed  Connor. I had never survived without him for as long as I can remember he was there. He was that constant factor in my life and in the back of my mind as the most important thing. I didn’t need anything. I just needed Connor happy. I needed him laughing at some silly thing that I had done to make him laugh. I needed him to roll down my window in my car and just sing music at the top of his lungs. I needed him to continue to tap dance on the tops of tables with the biggest smile on his face. I needed him to be my Bert in Mary Poppins. We did that musical together last year, I was the starring role and Connor was Bert.  We had so much fun just being these two iconic characters. We went to state for that show because both of us got nominated for best high school actor and actress. We won too. I remember he was so happy when we got first place for best musical too. His parents were actually really proud of him for winning that award. We were supposed to get nominated again this year and next year. That was never going to happen now. I heard footsteps coming towards the rooftop and looked down to see Jared, Evan and Leo down there. 

“What are you doing up here?” Jared asked me once got to the top with Evan and Leo right behind him. 

“I got tired of people telling me how sorry that they were for my loss. How they thought that Connor had it coming to him…” I sighed as I looked at the sky and Leo put his arm around my shoulders. 

“This was his favorite place in the house. He would often come up here to think, or to text me. Most people don’t know this but he was actually sober for close a year. We figured out a system for both of us to be happy. I couldn’t stand him smoking so I eventually just told him what I thought. He agreed to our new system. Whenever something was getting on his nerves or he felt like he needed to smoke he would text me. Usually I would respond back and we would talk about whatever was making him feel that way. He called me his unpaid psychologist.” I told them and they all laughed. 

“I saw you guys in Mary Poppins last year. You two were really perfect together as those characters.” Jared told us and I smiled at him. 

“He loved that show, and the movie was actually his favorite Disney movie period end of argument.” I responded as Leo asked me the next question. 

“They have pizza downstairs. Have you eaten anything yet?” I shook my head and he was gone in the next instant. 

“You shouldn’t be starving yourself. I know it hurts. But, you shouldn’t suffer.” Evan told me for the first time speaking to me that entire day. 

“You know the reason why he grew his hair out as long as he did?” I asked them and they shook their heads. 

“He wanted to look like Kurt Cobain. Ever since he got diagnosed he wanted to be like Kurt. He idolized him since they were so similar or so he thought. I guess they are more alike than I originally thought.” 

“I come bringing pizza, ice cream, garlic knots and whatever this red drink is!!” Leo said as he appeared at my side again. 

“The red drink is called a shirley temple. I introduced Con to them when I was seven and had gone out to dinner for the first time together. That was my birthday dinner. It was just me, him and my uncle.” I took a sip of the shirley and sighed. 

“Yep that’s a good shirley temple. Believe it or not they can be bad. I had one that was kind of a black cherry up in Portland with my uncle and it was sooo bad!!” I laughed and so did the rest of my friends. 

“Can I see the bear?” Evan asked and I handed the bear to him. 

“What are you going to name him?” Jared asked as a joke with an eyebrow raised. 

“I’m going to call him… James. That was Connor’s middle name.” I smiled at my friends and they all spent the rest of the night comforting me and trying to make me feel better about this whole situation.  

 

_ The next week flew by and I celebrated my birthday just me and my uncle. Leo came over as well. I had began to really start planning for this concert benefit. I got the theater because Mrs. Smith was willing to loan it to me for an evening. I got everything all set up, we were going to open with this video montage all about Connor’s life. I took some of the video of him that his parents had before I was old enough to get my own video camera that I took everywhere with me.  _ I was getting on my dress that I bought for the occasion, it was a pink and black short dress that I paired with black leggings and the combat boots that Connor had given me. I raced over to see the opening slideshow start. I saw that the theater was packed from the amount of people that were hanging out in there. All there for my Connor. The slideshow all finished and people cheered for me. I went out after the slideshow to get used to shine of the lights around me. I looked at one audience member, Monnie and began to give my speech just pretending it was me and one other person. 

“Connor James Murphy was my best friend in life. I loved him like my own brother. This is the story of how Connor was with me.” I began and sat down at the piano that had a photo of the two of us sitting in each others laps with big smiles at what looked like my tenth birthday ‘party’. 

“So for starters, I’m sure that most of you who frequented our musicals since Freshman year when me and Connor started out here, you would know that Connor loved Theater a whole lot. He loved the idea of putting on a costume and suddenly you could be a different person. He loved one show in particular called Great Comet. We really wanted to see it, during spring break we got lucky to get front seat tickets. I loved taking Connor to the theater since he loved seeing it unfold before his very eyes. He loved seeing characters come to life and sing and dance. One of his favorite moments were when Pierre who was played by Josh Groban when we saw it, has this solo called Dust And Ashes. It’s his final moment of when he really thinks about his life and the parts that had lead to that moment in time.” I began to play the beautiful tune from my piano letting it ebb and flow from every pore of my being.

_ “Is this how I die? Ridiculed and laughed at? Wearing clown shoes is this how I die? Furious and reckless sick with booze. How did I live? I taste every wasted minute every time I turned away from the things that might have healed me. How long have I been sleeping? Is this how I die? Frightened like a child lazy and numb. Is this how I die? Pretending and preposterous and dumb. How did I live? Was I kind enough and good enough? Did I love enough? Did I ever look up and see the moon and the stars in the sky? Oh why have I been sleeping? They say we are asleep until we fall in love we are children of dust and ashes. But when we fall in love we wake up and we are a god and angels weep. But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep. All of my life I’ve spent searching the words of poets and saints and prophets and kings. And at the end all I know is I don’t know a thing . So easy to close off put the blame outside hiding in my room at night so terrified. All the things I could have been but I never had the nerve life and love I don’t deserve. So alright, alright I’ve had my time. Close my eyes let the death bells chime. Bury me in burgundy. I just don’t care nothing’s left I’ve looked everywhere. Is this how I die? Was there ever any other way my life could be? Is this how I die? Such a storm of feelings inside of me? But then why am I screaming? Why am I shaking? Oh god was there something that I missed? Did I squander my divinity? Was happiness within me the whole time? They say we are asleep until we fall in love we are children of dust and ashes. But when we fall in love we wake up and we are a god and angels weep. But if I die here tonight I die in my sleep. They say we are asleep until we fall in love. And I’m so ready to wake up now. I want to wake up. God don’t let me die while I’m like this. Please let me wake up now. God don’t let me die while I’m like this. I’m ready, I’m ready to wake up…”  _  I heard some of the loudest applause that I had ever heard considering that it was mostly the entire school that had came out here to see my version of Connor come to life through music. 

“Me and Connor would often compare songs in musical theater to each other. Usually they were songs that involved true friends or something that was similar to that. This song was different. He always told me that when he first saw me, his world changed for the better. We saw another show during spring break, a show called God Bless You Mr. Rosewater. It has a song in there that the members of Rosewater county sing about Eliot Rosewater, there saving grace. He told me after the show that I was his version of Eliot Rosewater. He had another song in the show that when the cast album came out later that summer that he would always just listen to not sing, it was called Magical Moment. I did a melody starting with Since You Came To This Town blending into Magical Moment.” 

_ “My mother was a Moon, my father was a Glampers. I make my livin’ scrubbing floors and disinfecting hampers. I eat my meals from cans, I go to bed at nine. I’m still scared of the dark, but lately I’ve been fine. I’m not alone when the sun goes down. Since you came to this town. I got two sets of twins, don’t know why God allowed it. I’ve got a mobile home, it’s pellin’ and it’s crowded. All day I mind the kids at night I walk the streets. A girl has got to live, her children’s gotta eat. Folks make fun of me, put me down. ‘Til you came to this town. You gotta way of making someone feel like he is something real and not just some poor clown to push aside. You don’t look down on no one if he’s dumb. Or if he’s some unimportant person that everyone wants to hide. I always think that God just plain forgot me. Or maybe got mixed up with someone who is not me. I’m still a little scared, I’m still a little sad. But I’ve got to confess, it ain’t been half so bad. I think I’m comin’ around since you came to this town. I always used to think that God just plain forgot me. Or maybe got my life mixed up with someone who is not me. I’m still a little scared, I’m still a little sad. But I’ve got to confess, it ain’t been half so bad. I think I’m comin’ around since you came to this town. Since you came to this town. Since you came to this town, since you came to this town. God bless you Mr. Rosewater, good night.”  _ I heard the audience clap again as I dried my tears and started on the thankfully much happier tune. 

_ “My professor at Cornell may his dear soul rest in hell. Said a brilliant thing to me little Norman Mushari. Though is Lebanese and my grades were mostly D’s I was still his pet and shan’t forget the words he spoke were these. ‘Just as a good airplane pilot is always looking for places to land, so should a lawyer be looking for situations where large amounts of money are about to change hands for you see students…’ In each big transaction there happens a moment when one certain party surrenders a treasure. And one other man who’s about to receive it has not yet done so. In such a transaction the watchful young lawyer will notice this moment, endeavor to use it. Exacting a chunk of aforementioned treasure, then pass what is left to his client. A magical moment, a marvelous moment a moment a lawyer adores. A lyrical moment, a miracle moment the moment you finally get your’s dismissed said he. Okay let’s see. The president of the Rosewater foundation is president for life unless proved legally insane, at which time the presidency will be passed to the next closest relation of Sen. Rosewater… Indeed. If I could locate such a living relation I bet I could win him control of the fortune by proving that Eliot’s totally bonkers as easy as proving the pope to be catholic.  And I’d represent the next-in-line air to the Rosewater fortune. So when the poor fruitcake surrenders his treasure, I’m there at the magically moment. Ah there lies the moment, the laudable moment, applaud-able moment I bless. The moment that’s reeking, financially seeking exuding the smell of success. Dear darling professor, oh how can I thank you for opening the door to such beauty and wonder. Divining the moment, the magical moment the moment of power the moment of plunder!! The fabulous moment, backstab-ulous moment the moment to foment a barristers pleasure. A top-rated moment, a gold-plated moment a moment of avarice greed beyond measure. I’ll work ‘til the moment I’ll lurk toward the moment delicious and vicious as moments can be. Oh god, I adore me, you smart little Normy, I won’t even charge me a fee…”  _ Everyone in the audience was clapping and laughing along with me. 

“That song used to always make us laugh together. Now, one of my favorite things about my best friend, was that sometimes he would roll down the windows of my car or his it just depended on who was driving that day. He would roll down the windows and we would sing songs at the tops of our lungs. One of his favorites to do that with was Under Pressure by Queen with David Bowie, he had a massive Queen and David Bowie problem but he used to joke that combining them together was the work of a genius.”  __

_ "Mmm num ba de dum dum ba be doo buh ba beh beh... Pressure pushing down on me pressing down, no man ask for. Under pressure that burns a building down splits a family in two puts people on streets Um ba ba be Um ba ba be De day da Ee day da - that's okay. It's the terror of knowing what the world is about Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out'. Pray tomorrow gets me higher Pressure on people, people on street. Day day de mm hmm Da da da ba ba Okay. Chippin around, kick my brains around the floor These are the days it never rains but it pours. Ee do ba be Ee da ba ba ba Um bo bo Be lap. People on streets Ee da de da de People on streets Ee da de da de da de da. It's the terror of knowing what the world is about Watching some good friends screaming 'Let me out'. Pray tomorrow gets me higher, high Pressure on people, people on streets. Turned away from it all like a blind man Sat on a fence but it don't work. Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn Why - why - why? Love, love, love, love, love.  Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking. Can't we give ourselves one more chance?Why can't we give love that one more chance? Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love. Give love, give love, give love, give love, give love? Because love's such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the (people on streets) edge of the night. And love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves This is our last dance This is our last dance. This is ourselves under pressure Under pressure Pressure."  I _ smiled at my audience who seemed to be loving everything that I was doing to put on this show.

"Fun fact, whenever we did that song I was always Freddie Mercury because Connor could never reach the insane high notes that he hits in that song." I mentioned to them and I could hear Connor's wisecrack in the back of my mind. 

_ That doesn't matter Dani!! What matters is the amount of heart that put into it while all the other cars look at you like you're mental.  _

"When Connor and I went to New York again during Spring Break for this past year, we saw a show called Groundhog Day. It was based off the movie of the same name. Connor really loved the main character Phil Connors because he felt like he did in his day to day life. This song was one of his favorites because he found it hilarious that a song about suicide was sung in such an upbeat and funny way. If you're offended by this, I'm really sorry. But, I'm doing this concert for Con and I know that he would fight me on this one..." I began to play the song as I felt the slightly upbeat notes that held such a deep meaning to me now that Connor was gone. 

_ "There will be morning's you'll be utterly defeated by your laces days when every look looks condescending. Empty smiles on empty faces the same old places the stunning stasis. Just let your spirit slip away let all your troubles crumble and decay. There's more than one way out if at the end of the day your at the end of your rope... Never give up hope never let yourself be defeated if you tried you can try again. A new day will follow there's always tomorrow. Never give up hope never listen to the unbelievers. You will take your falls you will hit your walls don't give into sorrow there's always tomorrow. I never lasted farcical disaster you play part you march the march you don't complain. You find a way another day surrounded by a cast of half-wit bastards grinning masks amidst the gray. Yet you stay sane and through the pain the frozen pain of glass. You strain to cast your gaze upon the path you have to tread and in your head the laden tread the fucking roads have all been trod. And there's no God oh God this goddamn weather will last forever but you must never, never, never, never give up hope. Never let the odds overwhelm you you know the game gets hard. Don't throw in your card a new day will follow there's always tomorrow. I've done everything I can I've done my best and I and I've tried so hard to find a way out of this mess but I... But I'm so tired. I swear to you I've tried and sometimes I just want to give up. Just give up and stay here and live. But I know there's no point in denying that I will keep trying. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a quitter I will never give up, never give up, never give up, never give up, never give up. Never give up hope never let yourself be defeated. You tried it once, you can try again. There's always tomorrow. If it isn't today have a little faith that it'll be tomorrow. Hold onto your faith. You'll find another way. After acid and gas and guns and razors and rope. You may want to live but baby don't give up hope."  _ For the first time that night the audience was stunned to silence. After a couple of silent moments where I was panicking in the back of my mind thinking that I knew that this song was a bad idea. But, then I heard the audience start giving me a standing ovation. I looked over at Jared in confusion who was standing off in the wings as he shrugged. 

"Alright wasn't expecting that big of a reaction... Umm thank you?" The audience slightly laughed as I smiled at what I thought was Connor's spirit gently wrapping an arm around my shoulders. 

"Most of you who were fans of this school's theater department know this, but Connor loved to tap dance. He was really amazing at it too. He was my Burt in Mary Poppins and another character that he tapped for was the character of Racetrack in our production of the Broadway version of Newsies. One of his favorite moments in his life was tapping to King Of New York, which was Race's solo song. I would always be on stage with him for that song since it was the Broadway version and I was Katherine the female lead in the show. He always had the biggest smile on his face as he sang his heart out and taped to one of his favorite moments in all of musical theater." I began to play the upbeat tune as the tears began to finally fall from my eyes no matter how much I wanted them to just stay there so that I wouldn't make a fool out of myself. 

_ "Ya don't need money when you're famous. They gives ya whatever ya want, gratis!! Such as...? A pair of new shoes with matchin' laces a permanent box at the sheepshead races. Pastrami on rye with a sour pickle my personal puss on a wooden nickel. Look at me I'm the king of New York!! Suddenly I'm respectable starin' right at'cha lousy with sta'cha. Nobbin' with all the muckey-mucks  I'm blowin my dough and goin' deluxe . And there I be!! Ain't I pretty? It's my city I'm the king of New York!! A solid gold watch with a chain to twirl it my very own bed and an indoor terlet. A barber shop haircut that costs a quarter  a regulr beat for a star reporter. Am-scary punk she's the king of New York!! Who'da thunk!! I'm the king of New York!! We was sunk pale and pitiful buncha wet noodles Pulitzer's poodles. Almost about to drown in the drink when she fished us out and drowned us in ink!! So let's get drunk!! Yeah!! Not with liquor fame works quicker when you're King Of New York. I gotta be either dead or dreamin'  cause at that pape with my face beamin'.  Tomorrow they may wrap fishes in it but I was a star for one whole minute!! Look at me I'm the king of New York!! Wait and see this is gonna make both the Delancey's pee in their pant-sies. Fleshpots shootin bright as a sun!! I'm one highfalutin son of gun!! I grantee though I crapped out I ain't tapped out!! I'm the king of New- Friends may flee, let'em ditch ya!! Snap one pit'cha you're the king of-History front page story guts and glory I'm the king... Of New York!!"  _ I think I was pretty much an emotional wreck after that one, which I was expecting pretty much. Everyone cheered loudly for me anyways and showed me lots of support. 

"I actually wrote this next song on my own. Connor he wrote me one last letter, sort of his suicide note as you might put it. He wanted to not just become one of those people that everyone eventually forgets about. He wanted to be remembered and he wanted me to help anyone else who might be in the same boat as he was. He wanted a website in his memory. A website\chat room where people could talk about their feelings with others who were going through the same things or people like me who want to be psychologists and just want to be somewhat of a shoulder to lean on even if it's just through a website. He wanted it to be called You Will Be Found.Com. I had my friend Jared help me in creating the website while I set to work on creating this song and this concert that you are all seeing." I explained to the audience and saw a lot of them checking their phones for the text that led to the social media and I hoped that they were at least interested.

_ "Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall and no one would hear? Well let that lonely feeling wash away maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay. ‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand you can reach, reach out your hand. And oh, someone will come running and I know they’ll take you home. Even if the dark comes crashing through when you need a friend to carry you. When you’re broken on the ground you will be found. So let the sun come streaming in ‘cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again. Lift your head and look around. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found. You will be found."  _ I yet again heard this type of stunned silence before people started to clap like crazed mad men. 

"I wasn't expecting that intense of a reaction from all of you!! Thank you so much for supporting me and what I'm trying to do here. I really appreciate it. For my next song, Connor really loved the movie called The Greatest Showman. His favorite character was the bearded lady played by Kaela Steele. He loved whenever I would sing her song from the show because he thought that it was a perfect fit for both of our personalities." I was nervous about this one since this was one of the songs that Connor loved the most when he was alive.  __

_ “I am not a stranger to the dark hide away, they say ‘cause we don’t want your broken parts. I’ve learned to be ashamed of  all my scars run away, they say, no one will love you as you are. But I won’t let them break me down to dust I know that there is a place for us for we are glorious. When the sharpest words want me to cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be. Lookout ‘cause here I come and I’m marching to the beat of my own drum. I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. Another round of bullets hits my skin well, fire away, ‘cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in. We are bursting above the barricades, and reaching for the sun we are warriors. Yeah that’s what we’ve become. Won’t let them break me down to dust I know there’s a place for us for we are glorious. When the sharpest words want to cut me down gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me. Lookout, ‘cause here I come and I’m marching to the beat of my own dream. I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies this is me. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. This is me. And I know that I deserve your love there’s nothing I’m not worthy of. When the sharpest words want to cut me down, gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. This is brave, this is bruised, this is who I’m meant to be, this is me. Look out ‘cause here I come and I’m marching to the beat of my own drum. I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies.”  _ I dried the tears as the audience whopped and hollered for me and my performing. 

"This next song meant the world to both Connor and me. This is from the first show that we ever saw together. The first show that we saw together was Phantom Of The Opera. I remember his eyes lighting up when he saw the characters on the stage combined with the lighting and the classic album that became our dream roles. We dreamed of being Christine and The Phantom. Connor really got behind how dark and twisted the Phantom was and how much that was like how he was. He loved to see Ramin be he Phantom which we did. When my uncle heard that it was having it's 25th anniversary a few years ago we all went to London and had front row seats to it. It was absolutely insane but beautiful at the exact same time. The song that would always bring me back from a sensory overload was this one, it was called Music Of The Night." This one was going to either be very hard or very easy it just depended on how I felt after it was done. 

_ "Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation. Darkness stirs, and wakes imagination. Silently the senses abandon their defenses. Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor. Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender. Turn your face away from the garish light of day. Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light, and listen to the music of the night. Close your eyes purge the thoughts of the life you knew before. Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar. And you'll live as you've never lived before. Softly, deftly music shall caress you. Hear it, feel it secretly possess you. Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind. In the darkness which you know you cannot fight, the darkness of the music of the night. Let your mind start a journey to a strange new world. Leave all the thoughts of the life you knew before, let your soul take you where you long to be. Only then will you belong to me. Floating, falling sweet intoxication touch me, trust me. Savor each sensation, let the dream begin let your darker side give in. To the power of the music that I write, the power of the music of the night. You alone can make my song take flight, help me make the music of the night."  I thankfully managed to somehow not cry during that song, by whatever miracle that might be. I _ loved this song but it was one of Connor's all time favorites. The audience seemed to love the number more than a lot of the other ones as they cheered and clapped for me. 

"This was one of my favorites to listen to in the car with Connor. He loved the idea of the original book because when we were kids we would choose books for each other to read aloud to one another. One of the books that I read to him was called Tuck Everlasting. It's the story of a young girl named Winnie Foster and she isn't exactly allowed to leave her house because her mom doesn't think it's safe outside. She leaves and finds a young boy in the woods named Jesse Tuck. Jesse is different though, see Jesse is immortal he's forever alive. His family and him all drank from this spring that lives in the woods. They made a musical production of it. It was short lived but we loved the cast album because it was creative and it added to the original source material while still being uniquely it's own thing." I explained to the crowd the story that is behind Tuck Everlasting as the chords that I was so used to playing for Connor during a hard day or just because it's what he wanted to hear it. 

_ "There are two ways home down one long road one clear to two conclusions. Does the story end, or never end? Does the secret fad? Or is it everlasting? I could return to my mother like nothing has happened. Live like an imposter for six long turn seventeen then good girl Winnie Foster drinks from the vile and her past disappears. There are two ways down one long road. One clear path to two conclusions. Does the story end or never end? Does the secret fad? Or is it everlasting? I could put the Tuck's behind me and pull up the anchor ride the wheel plenty for all that it's worth. Turn seventeen, then eighteen, and twenty for a life is the greatest wonder on earth. Can I, should I, do I drink? Can I, should I, will I drink? There are two ways home down one long road. One clear path to two conclusions. Does the story end, or never end? does the secret fade, or is it everlasting? Is it everlasting?"  _ I had full on tears now running down my face as I sniffled. 

"I'm sorry, I thought that I could do that one without crying. I guess I was wrong huh?" I asked the audience and they all cheered for me anyways. 

"Thank you for dealing with my emotional state ladies and gentlemen. For my next song, this is a funny one. Whenever it seemed like I was overthinking something or I was just feeling a little bit down in the dumps Connor would start to sing this song to me. He had a crazed Jeremy Jordan problem ever since he heard him in the original cast of Newsies. We didn't get the chance to see him ever be Jack Kelly, we saw both Corey Cott and Dan Deluca. Both were amazing but I'm rambling now. Anyhow we heard that he was going to be in the filmed version of one of our favorites a few years ago called The Last Five Years. His character Jamie, has this song that he sings to his girlfriend at the time, Kathy to cheer her up. We loved him in the movie and this song is called The Schmuel song now just warning you his Schmuel impression was way funnier than mine so just a heads up..." I began to play the song that we had often sang to each other when we had times of trouble.

_ "Schmuel would work from half past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich. Get up at dawn and start again with the hems and pins and twists. Forty one years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich. Watching the winters soldier on there was one thing old Schmuel missed 'If I only had time' old Schmuel said. 'I would build a dress that's in my head. A dress to fire the the mad of girls from Minsk. But I have no more hours left to sew.' Then the clock upon the wall began to glow. And the clock said 'Na na na na na, na na na old Schmuel you get to be happy!! Na na na na na na, na na na I give you unlimited time!! Na na na na na na, na na na so Schmuel go sew and be happy!!' But Schmuel said, 'No no it's not my lot- I gotta make do with the time I've got.' Schmuel was done at half past ten and he said 'Good night Old Klimovich,' put on his coat to go but the clock cried 'Wait!! Not yet!! Even you're not wise or rich you're the finest man in Klimovich!! Listen up Schmuel make one stitch and you'll see what you can get.' But Schmuel said 'Clock it's much too late. I'm at peace with life I accept my fate.' But the Clock said 'Schmuel!! Make one stitch and you'll unlock the dreams you've lost.' So Schmuel, with reluctance took his thread, he pulled the bolt to velvet and he said 'I should take out my teeth and go to bed. I'm sitting here with talking clocks instead...' And the clock said 'Na na na na na, na na na old Schmuel you'll get to be happy!! Na na na na na na na, na na na I give you unlimited time!! Na na na na na na, na na na just do it and you can be happy!!' So Schmuel put the thread through the needle's eye and moon stared down from a starless sky. And he pushed the thread through the velvet black, and he looked and the clock was turning back. So he grabbed his sheers and he cut some lace as the hands moved on the old clock's face!! And his fingers flew and the fabric swirled it was nine fifteen all around the world!! Every cut and stitch was a perfect fit as if God himself were controlling it!! And Schmuel cried, through a rush 'Take me back!! Take me back all forty-one years!!' And on it went down that silent street till Shmuel's dress was at last complete and he stretched his arms and he closed his eyes and the morning sun finally started to rise. And that dress he made on that endless night was a dress that could make any soul take flight!! Not a swatch not skien had gone to waste- every ribbon and button ideally placed and sewed into the seams were forty one seasons of dreams. Dreams that you could feel coming real. And the very dress so the papers swore was the girl Odessa ware the day she promised forever more to love a young man named... Schmuel. Who only one day before had knocked at her kitchen door. Plenty have hoped and dreamed and prayed but they can't get out of Klimovich. If Schmuel had been a cute girlish maid, he'd have looked a lot like you. Maybe it's just that you're afraid to go out onto a limb-ovich. Maybe you're hearts completely swayed but you're head can't follow through. But shouldn't I want the world to see this brilliant girl who inspires me. Don't you think that now's a good time to be the ambitious freak you are? Say goodbye to wiping ashtrays at the bar. Say hello to Cathy Hiatt a big time star!! 'Cause I say na na na na na, na na na na Cathy you get to be happy!! Na na na na na, na na na I give you unlimited time!! Na na na na na na, na na na stop temping and go go be happy!! Here's a headshot guy and a new backstage where you're right for something on every page. Take a breath take a step take a chance... Take your time. Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you?"  _ Everyone was smiling and laughing along with me as I played the old tune that was once upon a time our go to song to sing loudly in my car because it was just amazing and funny. 

"So, whenever me and Connor would go out and just drive not really knowing or caring where it was, I would always let the driver pick the music. Which usually leads to one of us rolling down the windows and us singing at the tops of our lungs. Most of the time Connor's chosen artist was actually Billy Joel. Sometimes it would be Panic! At The Disco but most of the time it was Billy Joel. We loved to sing his songs since they were always so fun to sing like crazy people. He had two favorites, I am actually am doing a combo again because I love the order that I'm going at right now. The first song that he loved is called Everybody Loves You Now. For the second song it's called The Entertainer." I knew that this song would make me cry, because he always would sing this song to me when I was having a bad day much like the Schmuel song. 

_ "Baby all the lights are turned on you now you're in the center of the stage. Everything revolves on what you do ah, you are in your prime you've come of age. You can always have your way somehow 'cause everybody loves you now. You can walk away from your mistakes and you can you turn your back on what you do. Just a little smile is all it takes and you can have cake and it eat it too. Loneliness will get to you somehow but everybody loves you now. Ah, they all want your white body and they await your reply. Ah, but between you and me I'm a Staten Island ferry so do I. All the people want to know your name and soon there will be lines outside your door. Feelings do not matter in your game 'cause nothing's gonna touch you anymore. So your life is only living anyhow and everybody loves you now. Close your eyes when you don't want to see and stay at home when you don't want to go. Only speak to those who will agree yeah, and close your mind when you don't want to know. You have lost your innocence somehow but everybody loves you now. Ah, you know nothing lasts forever and it's all been done before. Ah but you ain't have to go to Cold Spring Harbor anymore. See how all the people gather 'round hey, isn't it a thrill to see them crawl. Keep your eyes ahead and don't look down yeah, lock yourself inside your scared walls. This is what you wanted, ain't you proud? 'Cause everybody loves you now...."   _ I got my guitar that Connor had given me when I turned twelve so that I could be multi musically talented. It was pink with black hearts around it.   

_ "I am the entertainer and I know just where I stand another serenader in another long haired band. Today I am your champion I may have won your hearts. But I know the game you'll forget my name and I won't be here in another year if I don't stay on the charts. I am the entertainer and I've had to pay my price. The things I didn't know at first I learned by doing twice. Ah, but still they come to haunt me still they want their say. So I've learned to dance with a hand in my pants and I rub my neck and I write 'em my check and they go their merry way. I am the entertainer been all around the world I've played all kinds of palaces and laid all kinds of girls. I can't remember faces I don't remember names. Ah, but what the hell you know it's just as well. 'Cause after a while and a thousand miles it all becomes the same. I am the entertainer I bring to you my songs. I'd like to spend a day or two but I can't stay that long. No, I've got to make expenses I got to stay in line. Gotta get the fee's to the agencies and I'd love to stay but I got bills to pay so I don't got the time. I am the entertainer I come to do my show you've heard my latest record it's been on the radio. Ah, it took me years to write it they were the best years of my life. It was a beautiful song but it ran too long if you're gonna have a hit you gotta make it fit so they cut it down to three o five. I am the entertainer the idol of my age I make all kinds of money when I go on the stage. Ah, you've seen me in the papers I've been in the magazines. But if I go cold I won't go sold I'll get put on the discount rack like another can of beans. I am the entertainer and I just where I stand another serenader in another long haired band. Today I am your champion I may have won your hearts. But I know the game, you'll forget my name, and I won't be here in another year if I don't stay on the charts."   _ I finished the song with slight tears in my eyes as I dried them and the audience cheered for me and I put the guitar back on the stool where I was just sitting. 

"I first heard of this artist through Connor actually, he took me to our first concert when I was ten since his mom had an extra ticket. That artist changed my life. His name was Sir Elton John. I had always loved his music when I was little but never really knew the man until I saw this concert. It totally blew me and Connor away. I remember me and Connor both got these matching t-shirts. One of the songs that we used to talk about the most was a song called Goodbye Yellow Brick Road." If this song didn't make me cry then I was going to have to call myself into the looney bin.

_ "When are you going to come down? When are you going to land? Shoulda stayed on the farm shoulda listened to my old man. You know you can't hold me forever I didn't sign up with you. I'm not a present for your friends to open this boy's too long to be singing the blues ahhh ahhh... So goodbye yellow brick road where the dogs of society howl. You can't plant me in your penthouse I'm going back to my plough. Back to the howling old owl hunting that horny-back toad. Well I finally decided my future beyond the yellow brick road. What do you think you'll do then? I bet you shoot down my plane it'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again. Maybe you'll find a replacement there's plenty like me to be found. Mongrels who ain't got a penny sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground. So goodbye yellow brick road where the dogs of society howl. You can't plant me in your penthouse I'm going back to my plough. Back to the howling old owl in the woods hunting that horny-backed toad. Well I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road."   _ I found the tears festering in my eyelids to be pretty massive so I dried them and it was an easy fix. 

"This next one I think is going to be really kind of interesting. So while Connor hated most 'punk rock' groups he will admit to having a massive thing for Panic! At The Disco. They were one of his favorite groups I like to joke that it was because he had a huge crush on Brendon Urie. Whenever long car rides to nowhere in particular were involved this song was on both of our driving playlists. It was one of his favorites and it was a song that we always would sing at the tops of our lungs. That song was the one and only I write sins not tragedies." I began to sing the song that held so many memories but I think this would be one song that I would probably love for the rest of my life. 

_ "Oh, well, imagine as I'm pacing the pews of a church corridor and I can't help but hear no I can't help but hear an exchanging of words. 'What a beautiful wedding!! What a beautiful wedding' says a bridesmaid to a waiter. 'And yes what a shame the poor groom's bride is whore.' I chimed in with a 'Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?! No it's much better to face these kinds of things with of poise and rationality. I chimed in with a 'Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!' No it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of... Well, in fact well look at it this way, technically our marriage is saved so this calls for a toast. Well, in fact, well look at it this way I mean technically our marriage is saved so this calls for a toast so pour the champagne, pour the champagne. I chimed in with a ‘Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!’ No it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chimed in with a ‘Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!’ No it’s much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chimed in with a ‘Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!’ No it’s much better to face these things with a sense of poise and rationality. I chimed in with a ‘Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!’ No it’s much better to face these things with a sense of poise of rationality again…”  _  I finished the number with a slight tearful smile to the audience as they clapped for my number. 

“I have this next number planned as the one acoustical number in the entire show. When I saw Elton John this was the song that he opened up with. He made me cry with this song. It’s called Funeral For A Friend.” I began to play the entire number that I had been able to play during my sleep. I dried my tears that were lingering in my eyelids. 

“My favorite Billy Joel song is called Everybody Has A Dream. Connor used to sing me this song when I was down on my luck. I have a bit of an anxiety disorder, part of the joys of having Asperger’s. He would always be there for me whenever I over thought about things. He was always there for me to protect me if that’s what I wanted out of my life. He would just sing me the lyrics to this song, and whenever he did it… I felt like I was on top of the world.” I began to play the old piano tune. 

_ “While in these days of quiet desperation as I wander through this world in which I live. I search everywhere for some new inspiration but it’s more than cold reality can give. If I need a cause for celebration or a comfort I can use to ease my mind. I rely on my imagination and I dream about imaginary times. Oh, oh and I know that everybody has a dream. Everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream. And this is my dream, my own just to be at home with you. If I believe in all the words I’m saying and if a word from you can be a better day. Then all I have are these games I’ve been playing to keep my hope from crumbling away. So let me lie and let me go on sleeping and I will lose myself in palisades of sand. And all the fantasies that I have been keeping, make the empty hours easier, easier to stand. And I know that everybody has a dream everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream. And this is my dream, my own, just to be at home. And to be all alone, all alone with you oh with you. I know that everybody has a dream, oh oh, everybody has a dream. I know that everybody has a dream everybody has a dream, everybody everybody. Everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream I know that. Everybody has a dream everybody. Everybody has a dream everybody has a dream. Everybody has a dream…”  _ I finished the song with tears staining my face and took some deep breaths. Just a few more songs and then this whole night could be over. 

“Not many people know this about my best friend but his favorite movie was a film called Stand By Me. He loved the idea of a group of best friends finding all the body of a young boy there own age. He always told me that he was the real life more adult version of Chris Chambers our favorite character. Connor’s main dream in life was to leave, to go somewhere nobody knowed him at all so that he could start over. To not be the kid who threw the printer to protect me.” I started crying again as I started to play the popular song that changed my life. 

_ “When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light I see. No I won’t be afraid, no I won’t be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me. So darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh now, stand by me. Stand stand by me, stand by me. If the sky that we look upon should tumble and fall and the mountains will crumble to the sea. I won’t cry, I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no I won’t shed a tear just as long as you stand, stand by me. And darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh now, stand by me. Stand by stand stand by me. Darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh now now, stand by me. Stand by me, stand by me, stand by me. Whenever you’re in trouble won’t you stand by me oh now now, stand by me. Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me. Darlin’, darlin’, stand by me, oh now now, stand by me. Oh stand by me, stand by me, stand by me…”  _ By this time I thought why even bother hiding the fact that I was crying. 

“Sorry guys, at this point I give up on trying to not think of things that not make me cry. I know that it’s unprofessional but I miss my best friend. Is that such a bad thing?” I asked the audience rhetorically as they all cheered for me. 

“Thank you all for the support. I have for more songs that I had written down. This one is one of the saddest songs that’s on my list I think. Connor did love a lot of songs that Elton John played, he was kind of his idol. But, there was one song that we never would sing just for the sheer amount of emotional weight behind it. That song was called Candle In The Wind. For whatever reason this song stuck with him, maybe because Marilyn's life was one of the most interesting things to him especially after he got diagnosed. I never really understood why he loved it, but he did. I love it too, it’s beautiful but this going to wreck me just a fair warning.” I felt a hand rest around my shoulders and turned to see that Leo was on my left side and he was just there to support me. 

_ “Goodbye Norma Jean though I never knew you at all. You had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled. They crawled out of your woodwork and they whispered into your brain. They set you on the treadmill and they made you change your name. And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked to know you but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did. Loneliness was tough the toughest road you ever blazed. Hollywood created a superstar and fame was the price you paid. Even when you died the press still hounded you. All the papers had to say was that Marilyn was found in the nude. And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked to know but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did. Goodbye Norma Jean though I never knew you at all. You had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled. Goodbye Norma Jean from the young man in the twenty second row. Who sees you as something more than sexual more than our Marilyn Monroe. And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind. Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in. And I would have liked to know you but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did….”  _ Leo wrapped his arms around me as the crowd howled with applause.

“Do you think it’ll ever get easier?” I whispered to him and he shrugged. 

“That’s all how you look at it Daniela.” I sighed and began my next song intro. 

“This next song was supposed to be Connor’s dream wedding song. He had an obsession with the live action film called Labyrinth. It was an eighties fantasy movie with David Bowie as the main villain character Jareth. He had a massive celebrity crush on Bowie ever since we were children and we watched that movie for the first time. Now there’s a beautiful love song in the movie that’s set during a masquerade ball. The entire point of this sequence and mostly Jareth’s motivation I think is to be loved by somebody. I never really saw him as evil to me he was just insanely lonely. He sings this song in hopes of getting the main girl Sarah to marry him.” I began to play the old song that my best friend had fallen in love with. 

_ “There’s such a sad love deep in your eyes a kind of pale jewel open and close within your eyes. I’ll place the sky within your eyes. There’s such a fooled heart beatin’ so fast in search of new dreams. A love that will last within your heart I’ll place the moon within your heart. As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you every thrill is gone. Wasn’t much too fun at all but I’ll be there for you as the world falls down. Falling, falling, falling in love. I’ll paint you morning’s of gold, I’ll paint you valentine evenings. Though we were strangers till now, we’re choosing our path between the stars. I’ll leave my love between the stars. As the pain sweeps through, makes no sense for you every thrill is gone. Wasn’t too much fun at all, but I’ll be there for you-ou-ou as the world falls down.  _ _ Falling As the world falls down. Falling As the world falls down. Falling, Falling, Falling, Falling in love As the world falls down, falling. Falling, Falling, Falling in love, As the world falls down, falling. Falling, Falling Makes no sense at all, Makes no sense to fall. Falling, As the world falls downs, Falling, Falling, Falling in love. As the world falls down, Falling, Falling, Falling in love. Falling in love Falling in love Falling in love Falling in love…”  _ I smiled even though tears were slightly falling down my face. 

“Now Connor did really love Newsies I think we’ve established that. I took him to see it with Corey Cott when we were early teens for spring break. It’s one of my favorite memories because we were just having a great time. My favorite character in all of theater is Jack Kelly. I related to him the most and Connor did too I think. He always wanted to leave and go off somewhere else. Always the dreamer that’s who my best friend was he was a big hearted dreamer, that sometimes made big mistakes.” I began to play the ever popular Santa Fe knowing that this song as well would have me in tears just about.

_ "Folks we finally got a headline 'newsies crushed as bulls attacked' Crutchie's calling me dumb crips just too damn slow. Guys are fightin', bleedin', fallin'  thanks to good old Captain Jack. Captain Jack just wants to close his eyes and GO!! Let me go, far away somewhere they won't ever find me and tomorrow won't remind me of today. And the city's sleepin' while the moon is old and gray I get on a train that's bound for Santa Fe. And I'm gone and I'm done. No more running no more lying. No more fat old men denying me my pay. Just a moon so big and yellow it turns night right into day. Dreams come true. Yeah they de. In Santa Fe. Where does it say you gotta live and die here? Where does say a guy can't catch a break? Why should you only take what you're given? Why should you spend your whole life living trapped where ain't no future even at seventeen. Breaking your back for someone else's sake!! If the life don't seem to suite you how about a change of scene? Far from the headlines, and deadlines in-between. Santa Fe, my old friend I can't spend my whole life dreaming though I know that's all I seem inclined to do. I ain't getting any younger and I wanna start brand new. I need space and fresh air let 'em laugh in my face I don't care save my place... I'll be there. Just be real is all I'm asking not some painting in my head cause I'm dead if I can't count on you today... I got nothing if I ain't got Santa Fe!!"  _  I finished the song dried my tears and finally did my last song for the evening. 

“Most of you probably remember this since a lot of you saw this I like to think. Last year for our school’s big musical we did Mary Poppins. He was my Burt in Mary Poppins and I got to be the title role. It was basically one of the most fun months of my life bringing this legendary character who means so much to the world to the stage for all of you. Me and Connor went to state for those characters and came back with the awards for best leading actor and actress. One song out of all the rest meant the universe to Connor and that was a song called Feed The Birds.” I began to play my final song as all my friends came out from the wings and Zoe put the award that Connor had onto my piano with a wink at me. 

_ "Early each day on the steps of Saint Paul's the little old bird woman comes in her own special way to the people she calls. 'Come, buy my bags full of crumbs; come feed the little birds, show them you care. And you'll be glad if you do the young ones are hungry their nests are so bare all it takes is tuppence from you. Feed the birds tuppence a bag, tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. Feed the birds' that's all she cries. While overhead, her birds fill the skies. All around the cathedral the saints and apostles look down as she wears. Although you can't see it you know they are smiling each time someone shows that he cares. Though her words are simple and few listen... Listen she's calling to you. 'Feed the birds tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag. Though her words are simple and few listen... Listen she's calling to you. 'Feed the birds tuppence a bag. Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag..."  _ The crowds clapping was next to insane but for the first moment since I had lost my best friend I felt happy as my best friend’s memory still lived on. My uncle gave me thumbs up as I bowed with the audience gave me a standing ovation. I saw Leo come over to me. 

“You did it!!” He hugged me tightly to him as I hugged him back gratefully. He pulled back from the hug and for the first time since I had kissed him a week ago he kissed me this time. It was equally soft yet passionate as he held me to him as the crowd cheered. 

“Daniela Smithstone, will you be my girlfriend?” He asked me and I nodded through my tears before flinging myself back into his arms kissing him yet again. It had been a crazy week but for the first time I felt like I would be okay after all of this.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!! I have loved DEH for a couple of months, it took me a long time to come around and learn to love it but once I did it changed my life. This story has gone through multiple changes over the past three weeks, I had Connor surviving being an idea, but I thought that him dying would help my OC with character development.


End file.
